A Beginner's Guide to ENM

As a sex and relationship therapist, I love working with couples who are beginning to explore ethical non-monogamy (ENM). 

Most of these couples are excited to explore the depths of non-monogamy with their long-term partner and possess a solid foundational knowledge of the amount of work it’ll take to cultivate healthy and fulfilling non-monogamous partnerships. 

However, many times, one partner is reluctant to explore ENM due to feeling anxious, stressed, jealous, or confused about what will happen if they agree to venture into this unknown territory. 

After working with hundreds of these couples, I’ve observed what leads to success in ENM and also what prevents couples from enjoying their non-monogamous journeys. 

Ethical non-monogamy or ENM encompasses a wide range of relationship styles where individuals engage in consensual, multiple emotional and/or sexual relationships with others. 

For example, individuals who practice polyamory identify as non-monogamous and typically desire both emotional and sexual relationships with more than one person. 

Whereas couples who consider themselves to have an “open” relationship may have multiple sexual relationships with others, but only one primary emotional connection with a committed partner. 

3 Steps to ENM Success

Step 1: Assess the stability of your current relationship

In order to have a healthy and meaningful non-monogamous relationship, you must first assess the stability of your current partnership.

Some helpful questions to ask yourself are: 

• Are you comfortable initiating difficult conversations, knowing that once you bring it up, your partner will communicate with you until you find resolution? 

• Are you able to create boundaries that honor both your and your partner’s needs and wants, even if they are opposing? 

• Can you sit in the discomfort of hearing your partner have opposing beliefs or different needs than you without engaging in unhealthy patterns like people-pleasing?

• Do you believe that your partner has your best interests at heart and is able to acknowledge and validate your experience despite any differences in perspective? 

• Are you and your partner enthusiastic about exploring non-monogamy? 

It's crucial to prioritize your current relationship’s health before discussing opening up to a non-monogamous relationship structure if you don't know the answers to these questions or you think these topics need more discussion. 

Step 2: Ensure you can communicate effectively 

Effective communication is the foundation for which you will build an exciting and fulfilling non-monogamous relationship that can stand the test of time.

Most of us know that communication is pivotal to the success of romantic relationships. However, just because you communicate, doesn’t mean you’re doing it effectively and in a way that leads to resolution versus resentment. 

Healthy and effective communication starts with the ability to regulate your emotions after being triggered. Regulating your emotions means you’re able to soothe yourself during tense moments and remain in the conversation without it escalating to yelling, shutting down, or an abrupt ending. 

Most couples I work with, whether they are monogamous or non-monogamous, need help learning this skill. In the meantime, you’ll need a plan of action for when someone becomes triggered and isn’t able to continue having productive conversation. 

Another part of healthy communication includes providing acknowledgement and validation to your partner when they initiate an uncomfortable conversation before offering insights, judgments, or trying to “fix” the problem. 

You’ll both need to feel safe enough to express your true needs and desires without assuming your partner doesn’t have the ability to do so or worrying about their response. 

I encourage you both to think about what helps you feel emotionally safe, secure, and loved in romantic relationships and how you can create agreements with your partner that honor these. 

In order for non-monogamy to work, you must provide consent, transparency, and respect to all partners, at all times. This means that consent is an ongoing process and one that never ends. 

And please don’t forget to prioritize discussions around safe sex as well as any concerns that come up as you move through your non-monogamous journey. 

Step 3: Find a supportive community or a therapist who is trained in working with non-monogamous couples

Non-monogamy is still stigmatized and considered taboo in our society. Even if you find support with family and friends, it can be hard for them to be supportive with the nuances of non-monogamy if they’ve never experienced it.

Having a solid and reliable support system can offer a safe and judgment free space for you to discuss challenges while also providing helpful resources and offering coping strategies. 

There are multiple groups on Facebook that cater to the non-monogamous communities. Usually these groups were created to offer support versus being a place to find potential dating partners. 

You can also search for a therapist that is trained or specializes in working with clients engaging in non-monogamy. There are also several directories where you can find these therapists such as Polyfriendly and Inclusive Therapists. 

Step 4: Identify your barriers to non-monogamy 

In order to have a successful ENM relationship, you should also be aware of the common barriers that can interrupt your progress. 

These include: 

• Making assumptions and not checking the validity with your partner

• Not asking for or providing consent

• Inability to identify emotions and/or regulate emotions

• Unhealed attachment wounds/trauma

• Untended jealousy 

If you’re unsure how you’ll handle your partner having other close emotional and/or sexual relationships with another person, then this should be discussed before venturing into ENM. 

And if you know that you have past trauma or attachment wounds that may be unhealed and triggered by engaging in non-monogamy, I highly encourage you to find the support and guidance of a therapist or coach. 

Step 5: Start living your most authentic life!

After you assess the health of your current relationship, devote time to learning communication skills that lead to resolution versus resentment, and incorporate the help of a supportive community or therapist, you’ll then be armed with the tools that will lead to successful non-monogamous relationships. 

Non-monogamy can help you develop a deeper understanding of yourself by pushing you to think outside of the norms of society and live a life full of authenticity, freedom, flexibility, and abundant intimacy. 

If you’re looking for an experienced and trained poly-informed therapist or coach, reach out to the team at RISE to learn more about our customized services by booking a complimentary consultation with us here.