How to Talk About Sex When Your Partner Shuts Down
You're struggling with your sex life, you're desperately missing your partner, and every time you try to talk about it, they change the subject, get irritated, or simply stay silent. Eventually, you stop bringing it up, even though the wanting hasn't gone away. In that silence, your mind starts filling in the gaps with assumptions you haven't checked for accuracy, leaving you wondering whether you're incompatible, whether your partner still loves you, or whether this is the beginning of the end.
When your partner won't talk about sex, it's easy to start treating their silence as proof that something is wrong with your relationship. You may not realize how much your own beliefs about sex and compatibility are shaping those conclusions, or that your partner may be carrying an entirely different story about what's happening between you. Meanwhile, you may be grieving the sexual connection you once had, or the one you hoped you'd have together, while still sharing your everyday life with your partner.
In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain how our beliefs about sex and compatibility shape the way we respond when intimacy becomes difficult, and why your partner might be avoiding the conversation altogether. I share ways to recognize and reframe the assumptions you're making so you can approach your partner with more curiosity and less pressure. We also talk about the grief that can come with losing sexual connection and how to think about the future of your relationship if you've made a genuine effort to address what's happening and your partner still won't engage.
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2:28 – The beliefs about sex and compatibility that shape your response when intimacy gets difficult
4:16 – Treating your partner's silence as evidence that your relationship is failing
5:04 – What research reveals about sexual satisfaction and believing your sex life can improve
6:28 – The fears that may be making conversations about sex difficult for your partner
7:55 – Recognizing and reframing the assumptions you're making about your partner's silence
9:11 – Inviting your partner to talk about sex without creating pressure
10:32 – Grieving the loss of sexual connection while you're still together
12:41 – Deciding whether you're sexually incompatible when your partner won't discuss your sex life
14:06 – Setting boundaries and considering whether you can still feel fulfilled in your relationship
Mentioned In How to Talk About Sex When Your Partner Shuts Down
Full Transcript
Valerie McDonnell: Welcome to the RISE to Intimacy podcast. I'm your host Valerie McDonnell, and for over a decade, I've worked as a sex and couples therapist because intimacy used to feel really overwhelming for me. I felt a lot of pressure to perform, I was disconnected from my body, and I often felt like desire was out of reach for me. But through my own trauma work, I stopped checking out of my body and started feeling connected to it again. I learned what it's like to experience intimacy without fear, without shutting down, and without numbing out. Now, I'm on a mission to help you do the same thing. This podcast exists because trauma doesn’t get the last word. You can learn how to calm your body, change the story you've been carrying, and rebuild real connection, first with yourself and then with the people you love. Let’s begin.
Welcome back to the RISE to Intimacy podcast. So today, I’m talking about, what to do when you’re struggling with your sex life, and you’re desperately missing your partner, but they won’t talk to you about it. This might look like them changing the subject, getting irritated, or just simply staying silent and giving you no feedback, when you bring up sex. And of course, then eventually you just stop brining it up. But just because you do that, wanting doesn’t disappear. And in that silence, your mind will start to come up with conclusions that are really just based on assumptions, that you really haven’t checked out for accuracy.
You might be thinking something like, we’re incompatible, they don’t love me, or this is the beginning of the end. So, today I’m gonna talk about four things. The beliefs that shape how we think about long lasting, good sex. What may be going on for your partner, if they’re the one that’s not talking about it. Also, I’ll briefly discuss the real grief that can show up, if you’re stuck in this dynamic. And I’ll also give you some ideas for a different way, that you can approach your partner about this issue. And just a quick reminder before we start, your partners “No.” Is absolutely valid. Nothing of this episode is a reason to pressure anyone into sex. Also, this episode isn’t guidance for relationships that involve abuse or coercion. But if that’s your situation, please reach out to a therapist or your local crisis line.
Alright, so let me start by asking you a question. When sex gets hard in a relationship, what do you believe is going on? Researchers have found that there’s a couple different beliefs about how we think about good sex. And they fall into two different categories. The first belief is when you think good sex comes from finding the right person. Like, the person that you’re compatible with. You might think like, if you’re compatible relationships are just easy, or, we don’t have a lot of fights, or, sex should just naturally flow, or, if we’re not compatible, I must’ve picked the wrong person. And researchers call that destiny beliefs.
The second belief is when you think of good sex as something that can be built, and maintained with effort. You might expect things to be difficult. And assume that every couple just, hits stretches where, sex is hard. And the work is more about learning how to handle the challenging times. And researchers call that growth beliefs. And most of us have a combination of both. So someone who leans more towards those destiny beliefs, may have thoughts that sound something like if we were truly compatible, it wouldn’t feel so difficult for my partner to want me. Or if they loved me, I wouldn’t have to initiate all the time. But statements like that are just making judgements on your entire relationship.
Now someone who leans more towards growth beliefs, may have thoughts that sound like this is something we haven’t learned to handle yet. Or, needing to talk about it doesn’t mean that we’re broken. Or that we can’t fix this. So you have the same situation here, but very different perceptions of it. And your perception, y’all, determines how you feel and respond to any situation. So if you believe the problem proves that you’re incompatible, then you’re gonna take every instance of when you make a bid for sexual connection, and you’re, you know, met with silence, or where it just doesn’t go anywhere. You’re gonna take that as more evidence, and start gathering that. And then it just, simply becomes confirmation bias.
But if you believe it’s a skill that the two of you just haven’t learned yet, something that you can learn and work on, then a lack of response gives you different information. In this case it tells you that it may be hard, and it might take patience, but is something you can improve and work on together. So let me give you a little bit of what the research says. Researchers found that people with stronger growth beliefs, those beliefs that tell you that, something can be improved if there’s an issue, people having those beliefs report higher sexual and relationship satisfaction. And so did their partners. But then people with stronger destiny beliefs, had more sexual disagreements, that were linked to lower relationship quality. So the researcher in that group describes the group as treating their sex life, like a gauge for the whole relationship. And in couples coping with like, low desire, growth beliefs are linked to higher desire for both partners. Whereas, the destiny beliefs, those were often linked to lower desire and unfortunately, lower relationship satisfaction. And other research found that people with these growth beliefs are more likely to act, and to talk about their feelings. And to treat the issue as worth prioritizing.
So while it might be worth it to like, contemplate what your belief is, around sex. To see, are those beliefs helping your relationship or could they be hindering your relationship in any way? Changing a belief won't automatically change your sex life, so we're going to talk about some more things that will be helpful, for you to do.
Also your partner is, most likely carrying their own story around this dynamic. Then think about what saying something like we need to talk about sex, might sound like to someone who is leaning more towards those destiny beliefs? They might see that as our relationship is failing. Or something is wrong with me. So anytime if a conversation feels like it's a judgment on the whole relationship, or on who somebody is. Avoiding it makes sense for that person, if that's their protective strategy. But that's just like one possibility of what might be goin’ on. My episode that I just released recently on why your partner gets defensive when you're not actually criticizing them, this part might sound familiar, because a conversation can feel like a threat to someone's whole sense of self. So instead of ruminating over why your partner won't talk to you, try asking yourself instead “What might this conversation bring up for them?” Because that question engages a mindset of curiosity, and curiosity is much easier for your nervous system to receive. Now obviously you can't make your partner talk, but you can change the story you're telling yourself, and that doesn't require your partner at all.
So how do you do that? First, simply notice the story that is happening in your head. So catch the thoughts that are treating your partner’s silence or resistance to having a conversation about sex, that are treating those as proof that something is wrong, or bad about the relationship. So, if you're thinking something like they don't love me. Or we're not compatible. Name them as thoughts, and know, that you do not have to treat them as facts. You can say something to yourself “Oh here's that annoying thought again, that pops up in my head sometimes.” That's just one example. Next then, you want to reword it, or simply reframe it. So reframe those negative thoughts. So again, I'm going to use the example of we're not compatible. Into something like we haven't figured out how to handle this yet. Or another example, if you're thinking they don't love me. You can reframe that as something is making this hard for my partner, and I don't know what it is yet. So, you don't have to believe the reframed thought, that new version with 100% certainty, right away.
At first, we're really just giving your mind another option to contemplate and consider, instead of just focusing just on the negative thought. Then next, share the new story, those kind of new reframe thoughts that you've come up with. Share it with your partner, but with a goal of just gaining better understanding. Instead of, again, you don't need to find a solution with them immediately. Offer them some of these other options. See what they have to say about it. So you can say something like “I was hoping to connect with you tonight, and you weren't really up with it. I don't think that means that we're broken, I just think this is something we haven't learned how to navigate yet, and I'd like to figure it out with you whenever you're ready.” Because when you say it like that, you're not demanding anything of them. And you're not giving them any due date of, you must have sex with me on this day. And you're also, not even actually making a request for sex. But you are just naming the problem as something shared between the two of you, and that leaves the door open for a conversation to happen. And that also offers them a door open without any pressure tied to it. So if saying it out loud though, feels like too much you can refer to my episode on bringing up couples therapy with your partner, because I offer some low pressure ways to just offer an invitation for a conversation there, to your partner.
Now, when you're sexual relationship starts to fade away, but your partner is still there with you everyday, you can really start feeling like you have lost something deeply profound and personal, and especially important to you. I've heard my clients talk about this all the time. They're feeling confused, lonely, they feel like they're undesirable, they feel unwanted, and ultimately they'll say things like they're “Feeling invisible.” I've heard them mourn that sex life that they once had, or like, the one that they were hoping for. And a lot of times, it sounds like grief. It sounds very similar to a concept called disenfranchised grief, which is when there's grief for a loss that isn't openly acknowledged, or validated, by the people around us. And there's no funeral for lack of a sex life. I mean nobody is sending you a card or condolences. And because sex is still treated as so, taboo and private, and honestly, less important than many other things, even within a romantic relationship. The person who is missing it often gets told things like “Be patient.” Or “Just be grateful for like everything else they have.” But you can love your partner and respect their no, and still feel profound sadness. All three of those things can be true, and grieving that missed connection, with your partner, doesn't mean that your partner owes you sex. But it does mean that your loss matters.
And feeling the loss, doesn't mean that you have to decide that it's final. You can feel sad, and stay open to change. But letting yourself grieve, may make it easier to stay out of that pit of despair, that you can find yourself in. Because you can stop treating the sadness as proof that your relationship is over. But, let's do talk about what happens if you continue to be met with silence, or resistance, from your partner, to even have a conversation about what is going on between you. Well, a conclusion about your compatibility reached after you have made a concerted and shared effort with your partner is, very different from reaching that conclusion while you are still in despair, and just confused and questioning on why you cannot, you know, even have a conversation with your partner about this. Because in the first case, if you've already talked to your partner about the impact you feel around this, and you've made it clear that you're not demanding sex, but in your instead you're inviting them to have a conversation about the distance between you. And if you've suggested support and giving it time, if you've done all those things then, you know. Maybe you're making a decision about compatibility, you can use that word, or just like, the future of the relationship. Whereas if you're deciding the future of your relationship, and whether or not your quote unquote “Compatible” while you haven't done any of that, then I think there is still so much more that you can do. And that decision still deserves more time.
Now again, if you've done all that and your partner still won't engage with you, then you can set a boundary. So I've made an episode on boundaries and ultimatums, and I walk through how to state what we will do, instead of what they must do. So if you need a reminder on that, you can refer back to that. But sometimes, like after real effort, it does turn out to be a compatibility question after all. Again. Or a decision on the future of your relationship. And that is, there's no right or wrong in that. Two people can want different things, even after you've been in a long-term relationship. But I would encourage you to think about this question; if the relationship stays the way it is, can I still feel at peace in this relationship? Or you might replace peace with; can I still feel fulfilled or satisfied or happy, right? And you don't have to answer that question today, but you should ask yourself that question honestly. But in, from a steady place. That will be very different than making that decision in the middle of the night, in the middle of a panic attack, with your heart racing.
So if this episode helped you, please share it with your partner. But send it with no pressure, and let us sit with them for a day or two before you ask what they thought. And if you’d like to work with me, head over to risetointimacy.com and book a consultation. And while you're there, I would absolutely love it if you sign up for the Quickie. That's my free weekly newsletter, where I offer tips and tricks on building emotional and physical intimacy with your partner. And in the Quickie, I will be releasing the details very soon, of my upcoming 6-week, live, online couples relationship boot camp. Thank you so very much, for spending your time with me today. I look forward to talking to you next Tuesday.
Thanks for listening to the RISE to Intimacy podcast. If today's episode resonated with you, know that healing is possible, and you don't have to do it alone. If you're enjoying the show, please leave a rating, a review for us at ratethispodcast.com/rise it really helps others find us, and I'm so grateful for all your support. You can learn more about my coaching packages for individuals and couples at risetointimacy.com and remember, sex therapy isn’t for people who are broken. It's for people brave enough to look beneath the surface.
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