Why Your Partner Gets Defensive When You’re Not Criticizing Them
You bring up something small with your partner. Maybe it’s the trash that still hasn’t gone out, something they shared in front of friends, or a moment where you felt dismissed. You’re trying to talk about one specific thing, and suddenly you’re hearing, “I can’t do anything right.” When your partner gets defensive like this, the conversation can quickly shift away from what you were actually trying to address.
Sometimes the way something is brought up does matter. Leading with “you always” or “you never,” criticizing your partner’s character, or telling them how they made you feel can set them up to go on the defense. Other times, even when you bring something up carefully, your partner may still experience the complaint as a threat to who they are, and that can show up as denying, rationalizing, shutting down, or moving into a shame spiral.
In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain why defensiveness can take over a conversation even when you’re trying to communicate carefully. I talk about the difference between a complaint and a criticism, what happens when feedback starts to feel like a threat to your sense of self, and how attachment can affect the way you respond. I also share what each of you can do differently so the original concern actually gets addressed instead of turning into a second conflict layered on top of the first.
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3:41 – Tone and delivery mistakes that can put your partner on the defensive
5:00 – The difference between a complaint and a criticism
7:59 – When defensiveness causes the original issue to get lost
10:46 – “Spitting versus chewing” and reflexively rejecting feedback
11:50 – What a shame spiral looks like in a relationship
15:54 – Identity threat and why feedback can feel personal
16:46 – Anxious and avoidant attachment responses to feedback
18:52 – Acknowledgment, validation, and mirroring to reduce defensiveness
Mentioned In Why Your Partner Gets Defensive When You’re Not Criticizing Them
Full Transcript
Valerie McDonnell: Welcome to the RISE To Intimacy Podcast. I'm your host, Valerie McDonald and for over a decade I've worked as a sex and couples' therapist, because intimacy used to feel really overwhelming for me. I felt a lot of pressure to perform. I was disconnected from my body, and I often felt like desire was out of reach for me, but through my own trauma work. I stopped checking out of my body and started feeling connected to it again. I learn what it's like to experience intimacy without fear, without shutting down and without numbing out. Now, I'm on a mission to help you do the same thing. This podcast exists because trauma doesn't get the last word. You can learn how to calm your body, change the story you've been carrying and rebuild real connection; first with yourself, and then with the people you love. Let's begin.
Welcome back to the RISE To Intimacy Podcast. Today, I'm going to talk about one of the biggest reasons I see couples and even people in my personal life, and even sometimes in my own relationships, one of the biggest reasons that a conversation goes off track and gets sidelined by the way a conversation is brought up, and then sometimes, by the way that we hear something that our partner brought up. And I call this phenomenon Identity Threat, but it's also been called Face Threat by research. And it explains something that can just catch you off guard when you are trying to bring an issue to your partner, maybe it is a complaint or just trying to talk to them about something that you would like to see changed or something that didn't really feel good. And so, even when we do this, in the most careful way, sometimes it can still sound like an attack to our partner.
I'm going to give you a very basic, but probably relatable example here. So, imagine you say to your partner, hey, I noticed the trash still hasn't gone out and it's pickup day tomorrow, can you take care of it tonight; and, then your partner respond to something like "Great, so now I can't even handle taking out the trash properly. I never do anything right around here" or there's some version of defensiveness that shows up instead. So delivery here does matter. And I'm going to get into that a little bit and some tips that you can use so that when you bring an issue to your partner, the hope is it will go well; but, also, it's not always about the delivery. Sometimes it's about what gets triggered inside the person, receiving it.
Today, I'm going to talk about when defensiveness shows up and tips for what you can do as a person bringing up the issue. I'm also going to talk about how it can go wrong for the person receiving the information, and some of the ways they might show up, that are kind of forms of defensiveness. And I'm also going to talk about the Shame Spiral, which is a different kind of response that the person receiving information can have. And then we're going to talk a little bit about some attachment differences and what each of you can do if you're noticing that you're having frequent conversations, where one of you, or both of you starts to show up with defensiveness and how you can try to change this.
So the first way these conversations can get off track and end up in resentment, instead of resolution is with the tone and delivery. If you are frequently framing things to your partner with language, like you always do this or you never do this. That is not going to sit well with them. So listen to the difference between these two statements. You were such a jerk the other night when you told everyone that I might lose my job. You humiliated me and I'm pissed off. Versus, Ifelt embarrassed and humiliated the other night at dinner when we talked about me possibly losing my job. In the future, can we talk more about what information I'm comfortable sharing with our friends?
So one of those clearly lands better. Even if you don't like hearing that your partner felt humiliated. While the other ones sets you up to defend yourself, so you can still share the same information and word it in a different way, sticking to how you felt during an experience versus telling your partner what they did or how they made you feel is going to feel better for your partner who was receiving this information. Also, The Gottman's very popular researchers in couples therapy and relationships talk about the difference between a complaint and a criticism. And, they say that a complaint addresses the behavior, whereas a criticism attacks character. So being able to distinguish between the two of those when you're bringing something to your partner is very important.
Some of the other common mistakes that people make when they're bringing this issue to their partner is leading with frustration instead of those specific behaviors that you would like to see changed and your need underneath it. So again, the example I just used about being at a restaurant and your partner sharing information about your job. The person led with frustration, and they also criticized their partner; instead of bringing up what they really needed in that moment and connecting that to the behavior. In other words, I noticed the other night, I really needed to feel supported and for you to have my back and I walked away from that conversation about my job really feeling embarrassed. How can we communicate better about that next time, so you know that that won't feel good to me. So something like that is what we want to do.
Also not providing enough context so that your partner starts filling in the blanks with assumptions. That can derail conversations because they're not really understanding what you're really looking for. You may also get into another wording trap which is like you made me feel X versus when X happened, I felt Y. So like very commonly in therapy people will start to kind of argue with each other over, you know, you made me feel pissed off. You made me feel ignored. You made me feel unimportant, right? Versus when our friends, the other night asked us to stay out late, even though you knew I had to work, I felt dismissed when I didn't even get the invitation extended, to me, something like that. So, there's a big difference there. One opens up an opportunity for your partner to actually have a dialogue and conversation with you and be able to engage in conflict resolution; versus, we always kind of miss that issue at some point when someone is set up to go on the defense or if they just were triggered by something and their past history and some type of past relationship, which I'm going to get into in a little bit. But often times the original issue that was brought up gets lost when someone goes on the defense.
Because now, we're either you know, shutting down because we feel bad that we made them feel bad or we're arguing with them now about, you know, whether their perspective is correct or whether your perspective is correct. And if you've listened to any of my previous episodes on communication, you can have the same exact experience as another person and still feel very differently from them; even feel completely opposite. But regardless, we want to ensure that whatever that first issue that was brought up gets tended to because when it doesn't and when we get off track with, you know, defensiveness and justifications, right, and who is right or wrong, we will end that conversation and certainly if that issue is not brought up, again, resentment will settle in and I always say, resentment is the slippery slope towards the break-up.
And research on nonviolent communication says that what a partner does may be the stimulus for a feeling, but it's never the sole cause. Because feelings are shaped by interpretation, our needs, and also our history. I'm not trying to, you know, erase accountability here. The behavior is still what's being raised and possibly asked to change. It just separates the event from the feeling instead of fusing them into one like, big disputable claim.
So ways that these conversations can go wrong for the person receiving the information is they may show up, once they hear whatever they hear. Regardless, we're not, I'm not trying to place blame on the person bringing the issue up. I'm just trying to point out some ways that if you are the one bringing something up, it can work better for you. But again, even if you bring something up in the best way possible, your partner may still show up with defensiveness or denying or kind of going into victim mode. They may also miss label complaints as criticism. Again, even when it's delivered in such a nice way. Again, I'm going to get into reasons why this may happen, but this is just all information for you to know and contemplate and decide if you see any of this showing up in your relationship, or if you notice yourself doing any of this stuff, and if so then you have some information you can use to, if you decide that it might be more helpful for you to do something different.
There is also this distinction that we call Spitting versus Chewing. Someone spitting back the information is kind of reflexively rejecting the feedback. Versus if they chew on it, they're actually considering it. So if you're someone who you notice you're going on the defense; maybe have that concept in your head. Like, am I spitting this information back at my partner, or am I actually considering it and thinking about it before I choose my response. Also, the person receiving the information might not be asking enough follow-up questions. So things will really get lost in translation here because a belief can form on really a foundation of misinformation, instead of what your partner really meant to relay to you. So again, in these cases, what can often happen is that original issue never gets addressed, and now, we kind of have this second conflict that's layered on top of it.
Now, this part I'm going to talk about is you might have heard of called the Shame Spiral, and this is different from someone just being self-deprecating. Shame Spiraling, it's heavier, it's more global and it just can quickly derail the conversation. Sometimes people confuse also the concepts of guilt and shame. So, as a reminder guilt is where you're feeling like, I did something wrong, whereas, if you're sitting with shame, that's thinking I am wrong. And a Shame Spiral can sound like saying things such as, internally or out loud, "I ruined everything" or "I can't do anything right" or "I don't know how to be a good partner". These are all jumping from like the specific complaint into a sweeping judgment about your entire character, rather than just staying on the topic about the one moment or behavior that your partner is bringing up. A quick example, or kind of just a silly basic example, but it applies here; you hit a car's bumper while you're parallel parking in downtown Richmond. Who hasn't done that? And you start saying you're terrible at parallel parking, instead of remembering that you were in a rush, and it was pouring down rain. Both of which caused you to be distracted and hit the car when you were already backing into a tight spot. The difference here is like, you know, "I had a rough day, and I was super busy", and "I did not do a good job parallel parking" versus "I suck at parallel parking. I'm never parallel parking again". So, the second one is more of what would happen if you were starting to go into a Shame Spiral.
Other things that can show up when this is going on is Over Generalization. So that's taking one instance of something and treating it as proof that it always happens or it never happens. So like one mistake becomes, "I always mess this up", right? You submit one incorrect report to your boss and now you're terrible; you're a terrible employee and you just suck at jobs, right? Or you always mess up these reports. That's just part of the Shame Spiral. Labeling, this is like attaching a permanent, all-encompassing label to yourself or someone else based on a single behavior, instead of describing that specific action. So instead of thinking something like "I was pretty harsh when I got off the phone with my partner, the other night", you might think "I'm a terrible partner", right? Or Catastrophizing, jumping straight to the worst possible outcome or meaning of a situation, rather than staying with what actually happened. So, something like two weeks of no sex turns into "we're in a sexless marriage"; "she's talking to an attorney". So, Shame Spiraling again. All of these often function as a hidden form of defensiveness. So, the person giving information ends up having to comfort and reassure their partner, instead of getting the original concern addressed.
Why does this happen? In terms of the Shame Spiral, let me speak to that, because like if it's not Shame Spiral where we're receiving information that is experienced as a threat to self, rather than just information about behavior. For that, just like defensiveness, that is absolutely some, you know, concrete relationship skills, things you can tweak, and you can start doing even this week. If you or your partner, though, is going into this more of a Shame Spiral, that's probably going to require some deeper work, because this is some challenge that you're having with your sense of self, your sense of identity. Researchers call this Face Threat. I just call it Identity Threat. And, this comes from something called Self-Affirmation Theory, which says that people are driven to protect a sense of self integrity and being competent, good, and in control. When that sense feels threatened, people respond with denial or rationalization or avoidance, rather than taking in the information. So the key point here is that these defensive responses, including Shame Spiraling, sometimes they're not really about the specific complaint. They're about protecting the whole sense of self. And this is why the same complaint can land completely differently depending on someone's internal state that day; also depending on their history and on how safe they feel in the relationship.
When it comes to this, there are some differences when it comes to attachment styles. So someone with an Anxious Attachment may experience feedback as evidence of impending rejection or abandonment, which can lead to things like spiraling or urgently needing reassurance or over apologizing. And this is often where the Shame Spiral can show up the most. Avoiding Attachment may experience feedback as an intrusion on their autonomy, or a demand they can't meet. And that can lead to shutting down or minimizing or withdrawing from the conversation completely. And so neither one of those reactions is about the content of the complaint itself but both are about what the complaint stirs up for that person internally.So naming this to your partner, out loud or outside of conflict can prevent a lot of repeated
damage. This is one of the big reasons why I teach the Reflect And Validate Steps of something I call the Bridge Technique. And the Bridge Technique is just a framework that I have developed to help teach communication skills to couples; because, in my mind and with the geekiness in the way my brain works, when I am starting to talk about communication with couples, I know that there are these like five or six different things I'm definitely going to teach them because there's such great research behind it. Also, because I've had numerous clients at this point give me such great feedback on just implementing these simple skills when they're communicating with their partner. And I had someone recently tell me they listened to my episode on the, I either call it Acknowledgement Validation or Reflection Validation. So they listened to my episode on that, like, three or four times just so they could, you know, make sure they're getting these points right with their partner because they realize when they do, that the conversation goes so differently.
So, Reflect and Validate or Acknowledge and Validate is simply being able to acknowledge that your partner's experience was different than yours, even if you actually have the same experience. For example, you're at a party. You love parties. It's huge. It's crowded. You don't care who you know and who you don't. So you're feeling excited, you're feeling, you know, energized. You're ready to go. And your partner, shy introvert, they're feeling nervous. They have some fear. They have some anxiety, and so they get a drink and go sit at a table by themselves, and that's how they're feeling throughout the night. So you both had the same experience, but you both feel completely differently, just based on personality differences and maybe based on some of your past history, and you know, big social gatherings.
So you can still acknowledge to your partner, "Hey, I noticed that the other night, I started feeling sad that you were so anxious at the party. And it makes sense to me because I know that, you know, big parties are not necessarily your thing". So, you can, if your partner comes to you later and says, "hey, I was so anxious at the party", you don't have to be like "Why? It was so great. You should have had a good time. Maybe if you went and talked to, you know, these people, or if you try to introduce yourself to more people, you would have had a better time". We don't have to try to convince them that their experience should have been different or was different or was just not based in the same reality that your experience was. They can still have their experience. They can still feel very differently than you did, and that's okay. We're just trying to figure out based on those things, what do they need from us, if anything, right? So, Acknowledge "It makes sense to me that you felt anxious the other night at the party". Validate "I know that you are introverted. Parties are not your big thing. So, I totally get why you came home and you weren't in a great mood". So acknowledge what happened, validate how they felt about it. And this is one of the big reasons I teach this skill; because, just doing those two steps can significantly decrease your chances of your partner responding with defensiveness.
Another big way we interrupt this pattern in the beginning, and it can feel a little rigid or very structured, because it is very structured, and is very structured for a reason, so that we can practice over and over and over and ensure that we are doing the skill in the way that it will help us accomplish our goal. And this one I'm talking about is Mirroring. This can interrupt the defensiveness, spirals. So mirroring just back what your partner has heard. So, you might, if you're working, you know, Corporate America or in, maybe nonprofit sometimes the Mirroring Skill is taught because it is very effective. So, oftentimes we're missing things that our partner is saying because we are preparing our response or we heard one thing they said and we're starting to think back "Like, is that right? Is that what happened? Did I say this thing?". Either way, when those things happen, we are missing key information that they are saying.
So, in order to ensure we're hearing everything accurately that they are telling us, when your partner starts saying something to you, we can just mirror it right back to them in very similar words. My partner was like, you know, "I was in a shit mood the other night. I came home, I was feeling so nervous and anxious all night", and when they're done talking, my response back is first going to be "So, what you're saying is the other night when you came home, you realized that you were in a shitty mood because you were nervous and anxious all night. Is that right?". And, hopefully they'll say "Yes". If not, they'll say "No" and hopefully give you a quick correction. If they say "yes", great. And "Is there anything else?". "Yes", and they probably have a lot more else they want to say. We're going to repeat that until they don't. And then essentially when they're done, that's where we're going to do the validation part. So mirroring is essentially just engaging in the acknowledgement part and repeating back what we hear; and validation is when we say, "Makes sense to me; you were super anxious. I know you're not a fan of big parties.".
All right, so when we do these steps up front, in the beginning of a conversation, the Acknowledgement or Reflection, the Validation; and we're doing all this as we're Mirroring with our partner. This helps your partner's body to physically start calming down, instead of just staying brace for a fight. And then, once they're not in that high alert mode anymore, they can actually, listen and absorb information, instead of reacting in a way that might harm the connection between the two of you.
So what each of you can do is for the person who's giving information, lead with the specific behavior and the need underneath it, instead of a character judgment. And, if you need examples of that, then go back to the beginning of this episode. I've given, you know, two or three examples of how you can do this. For the person receiving the information, pause before you respond. If you're unsure, ask, "Is this about what I did or who I am?", and then try chewing on it instead of just spitting information back to your partner.
So for the receiver that might be prone to shame spiraling specifically, practice catching the shift from "I did X" to "I am X", right? And name it out loud. So I feel like I'm spiraling in the shame right now, gives the moment structure instead of letting it take over. Instead of, "I always fall apart. I can never hear information. I'm terrible at communicating.", right? And then for both of you name the pattern together outside of conflict and talk about it outside of conflict when you're both like in a mostly calm state. So it has a shared name that you can reference when it shows up again. I have given this skill a couple other times, in other episodes, and it might sound silly or seem silly, right? Or very simplistic, but it's really beneficial because most of the time when we're having conflict, we are like fighting against each other. Instead of just doing this quick reframe, of being like, "Let's be on the same team and let's fight against this pattern or the cycle that shows up between us.". Then you can tackle that challenge together and hopefully stay connected in the process.
All right, so if this episode resonated with you and you would like to work with me, you can head over to my website, which is risetointimacy.com. You can book a consultation with me; and while you're there you can also sign up for The Quickie, which is my weekly newsletter where I give tips and tricks to help you and your partner have a great healthy, intimate relationship. Also if you would like to join the waitlist for the Couples Boot Camp that's coming up, you can find that link on my website. Thank you so much for listening. I truly appreciate all of your support and the time you give me every week; I'll see you next Tuesday.
Thanks for listening to the RISE To Intimacy Podcast. If today's episode resonated with you, know that healing is possible and you don't have to do it alone. If you're enjoying the show, please leave a rating and review for us at ratethispodcast.com/rise. It really helps others find us. And I'm so grateful for all your support. You can learn more about my coaching packages for individuals and couples at risetointimacy.com. And remember sex therapy isn't for people who are broken, it's for people brave enough to look beneath the surface.
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