Why Women Struggle With Desire and Knowing What They Want

You love your partner and want sex to feel close, connected, and mutual, yet desire can still feel harder to access than you think it should. When they ask what you like, what turns you on, or what would help you feel more present in your body, you may not have a clear answer. That confusion can be painful for both of you, especially when your partner experiences your uncertainty as distance, disconnection, or rejection.

Those moments make more sense when you look at how early the messages start. Long before you were in an adult relationship, you may have learned that your body was something to monitor, your desire was something to hide, and your sexuality belonged to someone else before it ever belonged to you. Those messages do not disappear just because you are with someone safe.

In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain why women’s desire can feel so hard to access and why knowing what you want sexually is not as simple as “just tell me what you like.” I trace how shame, fear, safety messaging, and social conditioning shape the way women relate to their bodies and desire. I also share what male partners need to understand, and where women can begin when they’re ready to start reclaiming their sexual desire.

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3:37 – How school dress codes teach girls that their bodies are something to monitor, manage, and cover up

5:10 – Why religious messages about purity, temptation, and obedience can be so hard for women to unravel

7:42 – How sexual double standards teach girls to hide desire while boys are praised for expressing it

9:30 – Why family conversations about sex often teach girls fear before they ever learn about pleasure

12:49 – How being taught to stay accommodating and “not too much” follows women into the bedroom

14:15 – How the media, Me Too, and the backlash that followed shaped women’s relationship with sexual safety

17:54 – What reproductive control can do to a woman’s psychological relationship with her own body

21:02 – The question male partners can ask when they want to understand instead of pressure

22:02 – Three starting points for women ready to begin unlearning a lifetime of sexual conditioning

Mentioned In Why Women Struggle With Desire and Knowing What They Want

Rose McGowan “Hollywood Was Worse Than The Cult I Escaped” | We Need to Talk with Paul C. Brunson Podcast

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Full Transcript

Valerie McDonnell: Welcome to The RISE to Intimacy podcast. I'm your host, Valerie McDonnell. And for over a decade, I've worked as a sex and couples therapist, because intimacy used to feel really overwhelming for me. I felt a lot of pressure to perform, I was disconnected from my body and I often felt like desire was out of reach for me. But through my own trauma work, I stopped checking out of my body and started feeling connected to it again. I learned what it's like to experience intimacy without fear, without shutting down and without numbing out. Now I'm on a mission to help you do the same thing. This podcast exists, because trauma doesn't get the last word. You can learn how to calm your body, change the story you've been carrying and rebuild real connection, first with yourself and then with the people you love. 

Let's begin. Not many of the women I work with don't know what genuinely turns them on, or what they enjoy sexually, or how to keep desire alive for a partner they're deeply attracted to and in love with. And if they're in a relationship with a man, he often feels confused on why this is such an issue for her. I've had numerous female clients tell me that their male partner says something like, how can it be so hard for you to know what you want when it comes to sex? But there are so many reasons this may be the case. It may have nothing to do with your relationship, but more to do with what you were taught about your body and about sex, long before you ever had your first sexual experience. So today, I'm going to help shed light on this confusion. Now, what I wish more men and women knew, is that experiencing a lifetime of messages from our society, our peers and multiple institutions that were designed to control women's sexuality, has a real impact on a female's ability to notice sexual desire and to know what she likes, when it comes to sex. 

And this episode is not about blaming men or demonizing any particular institution. The goal of this episode is to shine a light on a system of messages that women absorb from the time they're little girls and help you understand how these messages quietly shape how women relate to their own desire for the rest of their lives. Now, something worth pointing out is that research consistently shows that heterosexual men report having orgasms in about 95% of their sexual encounters, whereas heterosexual women report having orgasms only 65% of the time. That's a 30% gap that has barely changed in decades. And what's interesting is that lesbian women report the highest orgasm rates among all women. So shout out to them. Now, a big reason for that gap is due to the topics I'll be discussing today. And also, let's not forget the lack of proper sex education, mostly about the clitoris, and that also adds to this orgasm gap. But that's a topic I'll discuss separately in a future episode. So a lack of sexual desire or a lack of knowing what you like during sex can also absolutely be due to past trauma and toxic relationships. But regardless of reasons that may contribute to this for some women, all women share the collective experience of their sexuality being impacted by our social conditioning. 

So let's get into it. The experiences that shape how a woman relates to her own sexuality doesn't just start in her first romantic relationship, it starts in childhood. So we're going to begin with our education system. Did you know that 83% of students who get cited for dress code violations are girls? This creates a sexually objectifying environment, where girls experience body shame and a feeling of powerlessness. So as a young girl, you're being told that your shoulders, your knees, or the length of your shorts are a distraction, but not a distraction to your own learning, a distraction to the boys and men around you. So then the message you take in is that your body is a problem. It causes other people to lose control and it's your responsibility to manage that. Meanwhile, the boys in the same school receive no equivalent message. They're not told that their bodies are distracting and they're not pulled out of class, because of what they're wearing. By the time a girl reaches adolescence, she's already spent years learning that her body is something to be monitored, managed and covered up. And that it exists for other people's comfort, not her own. So how was that girl supposed to grow up and suddenly be comfortable and free, to express herself in a sexual relationship? How was she supposed to know what turns her on, when she spent her entire childhood being told that her body's primary function is to not cause problems? And many religious communities aren't much of a help either. For many women, the messages from these communities are some of the deepest and most difficult to unravel. 

Going as far back as 1953, sexologist Alfred Kinsey found that Christian teachings made it harder for women to enjoy sexual pleasure. Purity culture, which became popular in evangelical Christian communities in the 1990s, teaches that a woman's value is tied to her virginity. So the message there is that your body belongs to your future husband and that sex before marriage makes you damage goods and your purity is the most important thing about you. And in Christianity, the story of Eve further perpetuates this message. Eve is the one who ate the fruit. Eve is the reason there is sin in the world. So think about what that tells a young girl growing up in that tradition. It says women are the source of temptation and that a female's desire is the thing that brought down humanity. That is an enormous weight for a woman to carry into adulthood. In other religious traditions, the control of women's sexuality shows up differently, but just as powerfully. In some traditions, men are permitted to have multiple wives, but women are not. Instead, women are told to obey their husbands. So sexual pleasure for women is either not discussed at all, or actively discouraged. The message across traditions is consistent. Your sexuality is not yours. It belongs to your family, your community, your husband, or your God, but never to you. 

And then these women get married and their partner says, why don't you ever initiate sex? Or why do you seem so disconnected during sex? And here's one that I hear a lot. How is it possible that you don't even know what turns you on? And the woman doesn't know how to explain that she spent the first 20 or 30 years of her life being told that everything about her sexuality was dangerous, shameful, or sinful. This is why you can't just flip a switch on your wedding night and undo decades of conditioning. Your nervous system simply doesn't work that way. And learning to talk about your sexual needs and desires, even when you feel uncomfortable, is one of the main things I help clients with, who enroll in my six-month Relationship Reset Program. Now, unfortunately, the sexual double standard also continues into middle school and high school. When girls push against traditional sexual scripts, meaning they have casual sex or multiple partners, they are socially punished. They're called sluts or whores or hoes. Even my middle schooler told me two weeks ago that multiple boys in her class were calling another girl a hoe. That language alone can destroy a young girl's reputation. And either way, it certainly instills shame and embarrassment in her. 

Meanwhile, boys who do the exact same thing are rewarded. They're congratulated by their peers and they gain social status. So a girl has sex once and she's labeled a slut. But a boy has sex once and he's celebrated. And girls learn this lesson fast. They learn that their sexuality is a liability. That expressing desire, pursuing pleasure, or being openly sexual makes them a target. So what do they do? They learn to suppress that desire. They learn to perform sex for someone else's benefit, rather than their own and they even learn to fake orgasms. They learn that wanting sex is something to be ashamed of. Now fast forward 10 or 15 years, now this girl's in a committed loving relationship. Her partner wants her to tell him what she likes when it comes to sex. And she wants to, but she doesn't know, because she was never given permission to explore it safely. She spent her early years learning that her sexual desire was something to hide, not something to cultivate and definitely not something to express freely without consequences. Another place this messaging becomes deeply damaging is within families. When families talk to their daughters about sex, the conversation almost always centers on danger. Don't get pregnant. Don't get an STI. Don't put yourself in a situation, where something bad can happen to you. Now, those conversations usually come from a place of love and genuine concern. And I totally get that. I have three daughters myself. But think about what those girls are absorbing. They're learning that sex is dangerous and is something that happens to you, not something you participate in. And if something bad does happen, you should have done more to prevent it. 

Now compare that to what boys often hear, or more accurately, what they don't hear. Most boys are not having conversations with their parents about consent. They're not being told, you need to check in with your partner, you need to make sure she wants sex every step of the way. And of course, this isn't always the case, but oftentimes it is. Instead, the burden of sexual safety is placed almost entirely on girls. And this also makes girls the gatekeepers of consent. Boys are often not taught to be responsible for their own behavior. And when sexual violence does happen and it happens far too often, the conversation often centers on what she did. What was she wearing? Was she drinking? Why was she at that party? Why did she go to his room? Instead of the focus being on the person who committed the assault, the focus is on her, on how she failed to protect herself. Just this week, I saw a creator on Instagram stitch a video of a girl talking about how she had been getting negative comments on her gym attire. She was wearing a sports bra and leggings. The creator commented that she's acting like she's not asking for it, but she is absolutely asking for it. And I thought, are you kidding me? This creator was a man in his 30s, going off on this girl being so clueless and trying to act like she's not intentionally asking for attention or something even worse. 

If you grow up absorbing that type of message, that your body is something you need to defend yourself against because it's your fault if men decide to give you unwanted attention, or even hurt you because of what you choose to wear, you definitely don't grow up thinking it's okay to be sexually expressive, once you enter a relationship. Because your entire relationship with sex has been framed through fear. And fear and desire cannot coexist. And while it's important to talk to our daughters about protecting themselves, we should also talk to them about their right to experience pleasure, when it comes to sex. And we should equally talk to young boys about toxic messaging like, she's asking for it. Because no, she's not. She simply wants to have the right to wear whatever she wants, without feeling afraid that some man might hurt her, or think he has the right to take advantage of her because of it. Now the control of women's expression doesn't just stop at sexuality.

It extends into every part of how women are allowed to show up in the world. So a woman who is bold, assertive, and direct in the workplace, is often called aggressive, difficult, or a bitch. But a man who behaves the exact same way is called a strong leader and nobody questions him. But this matters for a woman's sex life more than most people realize, because the same quality that makes someone a confident, expressive sexual partner, is the same quality that women are punished for in other aspects of our lives. If you're trained from childhood to be accommodating, to not be too much, to make sure everyone around you is comfortable before you think about your own needs, how are you supposed to suddenly become a person who feels comfortable expressing their needs, even in the bedroom? That requires the exact assertiveness that the world has spent a woman's entire life discouraging. And this is why so many women I work with will say things like, I focus on making sure my partner is having a good time, but I'm mostly just pushing through sex until it's over. So they're not being passive, because they don't have desire. They're being passive, because every system they've ever been in, has taught them that their role is to accommodate and not to ask for what they want. 

And so let's talk about the media. The media has always had a complicated relationship with women's sexuality. The way women are expected to show up in the media is to be attractive and confident at all times. But the moment a woman acts on her own sexual desire, the moment she becomes the subject of her sexuality rather than the object of someone else's, the script flips. And this showed up in a big way with the Me Too movement. And what happened after Me Too went viral was pretty complicated. On one side, millions of women finally had the language and a shared community to go to for experiences they had been carrying in silence for years. But on the other side, there was backlash. The Him Too movement emerged and actually increased people's acceptance of myths surrounding rape. A study examining the effects of this backlash on college women, found that exposure to content that promoted rape myths, led to higher acceptance of these myths, even among women. So the way we talk about sexual violence on social media directly influences how people, including women, think about their own experiences. 

For many women, Me Too reinforced something they already felt deeply, that sex is dangerous. The stories that went viral were stories of abuse, of power being weaponized and of women being harmed by men they trusted. And while those stories desperately needed to be told, the cumulative effect on women's relationships with their own sexuality was real. Because our culture sends us mixed messages. Be sexy, be desirable, be available. But also, be careful, be on guard. Your desire can get you hurt. So how do you cultivate sexual desire inside that contradiction? How do you let your guard down enough to experience pleasure, when everything around you is telling you to keep your guard up? And for many women, Me Too also confirmed something else, that even when you speak up about what happened to you, you may not be believed. I recently listened to Paul Brunson's podcast, where he interviewed actress Rose McGowan. She discusses in detail the assault she experienced by Harvey Weinstein. And during that interview, she discusses the extent of the orchestration of abuse that she experienced, not only by Weinstein, but also of multiple people in his circle. And also how Weinstein went to extreme lengths to not only damage her reputation and attempt to bribe her silence, but also to discredit her claims. So once again, the victim not only suffers an unimaginable violent trauma, but the perpetrator is protected, while she becomes the villain. And many other survivors were also publicly scrutinized during the Me Too movement. Their motives were questioned, their credibility challenged and their lives examined for any reason to dismiss their story. That is not an environment that makes a woman feel safe enough to be sexually vulnerable with anyone, even a partner she loves and trusts. So two truths exist at once in this case. The movement was necessary and also the environment it created added another layer to an already heavy load women carry into sexual experiences. 

And then there's politics. And I'm not talking about which party you vote for. I'm talking about what it means for a woman's relationship with her own body, when the government treats her body as something it has the right to control. In 2022, the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade, ending the federal right to abortion that had been in place for nearly 50 years, y'all. Since that decision, abortion bans or severe restrictions have spread to 29 states. Political power over abortion represents a form of control over women's bodies and their daily lives, shaping how the state seeks to regulate women's decisions about their own relationships and their own futures. And this kind of political control over women's reproductive choices, affects women's psychological relationship with sex. It tells a woman that the most private and personal decisions she might make about her own body, are not in her control, because the state has the authority to override her choice. So politicians who have never met you get to determine what happens inside your body. 

So layer that on top of everything else we've discussed today. School tells a girl that her body is an unwanted distraction. Religion tells her that her desire is sinful. Her peers tell her that she's a slut if she acts on it. Her family tells her to protect herself from danger. And the media tells her that if she's hurt, her reality will be questioned. And now the government is telling her that she doesn't even get to choose what happens with her own body. Every single one of these messages points in the same direction. Your body is not fully yours. The collision between politics and reproductive health policy, has led to a redefinition of women's identity, where questions about a woman's autonomy over her own body are now political debates, rather than personal decisions. And so we wonder why women struggle with sexual desire. And all of those messages are living in a woman's nervous system. All of it shows up in the bedroom. But the fact that so many women are doing the work to reclaim their sexuality anyway, is honestly one of the most courageous things I get to witness in my practice. 

So now these messages don't just disappear when you find a good partner. The more a woman internalizes messages that she isn't supposed to want sex as much as her partner, the less desire she experiences. So creating a safe space for women to talk about pleasure as a right, rather than a reward is itself a radical act. If you struggle to know what you like sexually, it's not a flaw. It is evidence that these systems worked exactly as they were designed to. And unlearning it is not something you should feel ashamed of. It's something you should feel proud of for being willing to confront. So if you're a man listening to this, you may have grown up in a world where sex was celebrated for you. But if you're in a relationship with a woman, that was not your partner's experience. Her experience was the opposite of yours in almost every way. So when she doesn't initiate sex, or when she can't tell you what turns her on, that is not a rejection of you. It is the result of a lifetime of being told that her sexuality is not hers to own. So what she needs is patience. The kind that says, I understand that this is going to take time and I'm not going anywhere. She needs to feel safe knowing that if she tells you what she wants, or what she doesn't want, you're not going to be disappointed or frustrated, or make her feel like something is wrong with her. She also needs curiosity from you and not something like, why don't you ever want sex? But instead, what would help you feel safe enough to explore this with me? If you've spent your life absorbing these messages and you're ready to start unlearning them, here are some tips on how you can begin this process. And these are not quick fixes, but they will provide you a starting point. 

So the first thing is name what you were taught. So recognize and bring awareness to where you learned this in the first place. Most women have never sat down and explicitly identified the messages they received about sex growing up. They just feel the effects. So I want you to grab a piece of paper, or open the notes app on your phone and write down every message you can remember receiving about sex as a girl. And don't edit them or judge them. For many women, just the act of writing these down and seeing them on paper, creates a shift. You start to realize these were never your beliefs and you get to decide if you want to challenge them and change them. 

The second thing you can do is give yourself permission to explore without judgment. So in a previous episode, I talked about directed masturbation as one of the most evidence-supported strategies for women who have never experienced orgasm, or who struggle with doing so. It isn't just about orgasm. It's also about building a relationship with your body that isn't mediated by someone else's expectations. And it's about learning what touch feels good, what pressure works and what pace your body responds to without the anxiety of having to perform for a partner. So if the idea of this makes you uncomfortable, that's okay and it makes sense. That discomfort is the result of conditioning and it can be unlearned. 

The next thing you can do is separate your desire from your partner's. So many women I work with have spent so long focusing on their partner's pleasure that they've completely lost connection with their own. They know exactly what turns their partner on, but they have no idea what turns them on. And this is also a direct result of the conditioning we've been talking about. Reclaiming your desire means shifting your attention from what does my partner want to what do I want? And that question might feel selfish at first, like you're being a bad partner for focusing on your own needs. But I promise you, a woman who knows what she wants and can ask for it, is not a selfish partner. She's a connected one. And she can focus on her own pleasure without losing sight of her partners. And this applies to men too. 

So if this episode is resonating with you, consider sharing it with your partner as an invitation to understand you better. Having this conversation outside the bedroom, when there's no pressure, or expectation, creates space for honesty. And for many couples, just having this conversation releases years of unspoken shame and misunderstanding. 

And for the male partners listening, this conversation is an invitation to be part of the healing process for the women in your lives. And your willingness to listen without defensiveness or frustration is one of the most powerful and healing things you can offer your partner. So if you want help with any of this, head over to risetointimacy.com and book a consultation with me. 

Thanks for listening to The RISE to Intimacy podcast. If today's episode resonated with you, know that healing is possible and you don't have to do it alone. If you're enjoying the show, please leave a rating and review for us at ratethispodcast.com/rise. It really helps others find us and I'm so grateful for all your support. You can learn more about my coaching packages for individuals and couples at risetointimacy.com. 

And remember, sex therapy isn't for people who are broken. It's for people brave enough to look beneath the surface.