Polyamory and Non-Monogamy: What a Sex Therapist Wants You to Know

Non-monogamy is no longer a fringe idea. It's showing up on dating apps, in therapy rooms, in late-night Google searches, and inside long-term relationships that look completely fine from the outside. But curiosity alone isn't enough to navigate it well. The choice to open a relationship matters far less than the skills you bring into it, and the quality of your conversations will shape everything that follows.

If you or your partner have been thinking about this, or if the conversation has already started, this episode is not a pitch for or against any relationship structure. It's an honest look at what non-monogamous relationships actually require, and why opening a relationship that's already struggling almost never fixes it.

In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I walk through how polyamory, ethical non-monogamy, and open relationships actually function, what the latest research says about satisfaction and commitment, and the emotional labor these structures demand. I also share what I've seen in my practice when couples navigate this well and when it causes further damage, and I name the assumptions that most reliably lead to failure.

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1:31 – The difference between polyamory and open relationships

5:16 – Two main polyamory structures and research-backed findings about non-monogamous relationships that might surprise you

9:52 – Examples of successful and non-successful polyamorous relationships I’ve seen in my practice

13:12 – Five core motivations behind why people genuinely pursue polyamory

16:30 – Four common myths that prevent people from choosing non‑monogamy or polyamory 

21:48 – Four assumptions that often lead to failure for couples considering these types of relationships

25:00 – The conversation that matters more than the decision itself

Mentioned In Polyamory and Non-Monogamy: What a Sex Therapist Wants You to Know

“Countering the Monogamy-Superiority Myth: A Meta-Analysis of the Differences in Relationship Satisfaction and Sexual Satisfaction as a Function of Relationship Orientation” | The Journal of Sex Research

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Full Transcript

Welcome to the Rise to Intimacy Podcast. I'm your host, Valerie McDonald. And for over a decade, I've worked as a sex and couples therapist because intimacy used to feel really overwhelming for me. I felt a lot of pressure to perform. I was disconnected from my body. And I often felt like desire was out of reach for me. But through my own trauma work, I stopped checking out of my body and started feeling connected to it again. I learned what it's like to experience intimacy without fear, without shutting down and without numbing out. Now, I'm on a mission to help you do the same thing. This podcast exists because trauma doesn't get the last word. You can learn how to calm your body, change the story you've been carrying and rebuild real connection first with yourself and then with the people you love. Let's begin. 

Today's episode is going to be the first in a three-part series that I'm going to do on non-monogamous relationships, specifically polyamory. And I'm also going to briefly discuss the term ENM and open relationships. So I'm going to give you some education, honesty and what the research says about people who practice these types of relationship structures. I'm also going to discuss what I see most often in my practice when an individual or a couple comes in wanting to discuss non-monogamous relationships. 

So the term you probably hear most often and one that seems to be pretty popular on the dating apps right now is ENM, which stands for Ethical Non-Monogamy. This describes any relationship structure where people have more than one romantic or sexual partner and everyone involved knows about it and agrees to it. 

And I'm going to also discuss polyamory, which literally means many loves. So polyamory is a bit different. It's the practice of having multiple romantic, emotional, or sexual relationships simultaneously, with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. The key distinction here is the word “romantic”, though, meaning polyamory is not just about sex. Polyamory actually involves real emotional investment and often includes deep, long-term commitments. Think of it less like expanding the physical part of a relationship and more like expanding your capacity for love itself.

Now, some people will also label their relationships as being open, which is a bit different from practicing ENM and certainly different from practicing polyamory. So when couples engage in open relationships, they tend to remain primary to each other in the emotional and romantic investment, and they have an agreement that the open part is consensual, outside sexual relationships with other people. The outside connections, though, usually do just stay physical. There's much less expectation of emotional intimacy with other partners and the emotional load can feel very different as well. So here's a way to think about it. If polyamory is about expanding your heart, an open relationship is more about expanding your options for physical intimacy, but neither is better. They're just different relationship styles. 

Many of the individuals and couples I work with, who engage in polyamorous relationships feel strongly that you can be in love with more than one person at a time. So what I would say is that all non-monogamous relationships operate with the understanding that in order to practice these relationships, both ethically and successfully, consent and transparency must always be present with everyone involved. Without consent and transparency, engaging in emotional and physically intimate relationships with more than one person is simply cheating on your primary partner. So once upon a time, I actually tried polyamory myself and what surprised me most was not just the logistics of it. It was how much emotional labor it required and how much communication is necessary to navigate that lifestyle successfully. What I also realized is polyamory can shine a light on how much your unhealed trauma or your attachment wounds will resurface, as you explore a relationship style that isn't the norm in our society. Now that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with practicing forms of non-monogamy. Not at all. It just means it could feel like a lot of work when things like fear of abandonment show up, or feelings of inadequacy resurface as a result of past trauma. 

So back to polyamory, there's two main structures that you should know about and the first is hierarchical polyamory and that is where partners are prioritized differently. In this case, someone who's practicing that type of polyamory usually has a primary partner and that's like someone they might live with, they might share finances with, or build a life with. And then there tends to be secondary partners who hold important but differently defined roles. Then of course, the other type of structure is non-hierarchical polyamory, where there is no prioritization of partners. So this is where every relationship is given equal priority and weight. So both of these structures are completely valid, but both come with their own unique challenges and require the same fundamental foundation, which again is consent and transparency.

So I'm going to say those words a lot today, because without them, none of this is practicing ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, or an open relationship. Without consent and transparency, we're just talking about complicated dishonesty. For the research, here's a number that might surprise you. One in five Americans has practiced some form of non-monogamy at some point in their life. We're not talking about a counterculture experiment here. We're talking about your colleagues, your neighbors, hey, maybe even your parents. A 2025 survey found that 34% of Americans described their ideal relationship as something other than completely monogamous. The interest in these relationships is real, y'all and it cuts across race, income, religion, and geography. 

Now, a question I get asked really often in my clinical work is, does non-monogamy actually work? And according to the research, the answer is yes, but that's for people who genuinely choose it, not for somebody who just falls into it and not to use it to solve a problem in the current relationship. It's for people who choose it intentionally and with a clear mind. The most comprehensive study I can point you to right now, is a 2025 meta-analysis, just means a study of studies, that was published in the “Journal of Sex Research”. The researchers analyzed 35 studies, involving nearly 25,000 people across six countries and what they found was there was no significant difference in relationship satisfaction or sexual satisfaction between people in monogamous relationships and people in ethically non-monogamous ones. So that's not a slight difference or a small gap, that is no significant difference. The lead researcher described it as evidence against what he called the monogamy superiority myth, which is a deeply held but largely unsupported assumption that monogamy automatically produces more satisfying relationships.

So what does predict relationship success in any type of relationship structure? The research is clear on this. It is the quality of communication, trust, adherence to boundaries, as well as emotional intelligence with a primary focus on emotional regulation. One other finding, though, worth noting is that people in polyamorous relationships actually report stronger communication skills on average and lower levels of jealousy than their monogamous counterparts. So that is not because polyamorous people are just better at managing relationship challenges. It's because the structure requires them to develop those skills in order to navigate the relationship style successfully. Because you cannot be polyamorous and conflict avoidant, it simply does not work. So while the research tells us non-monogamy can work, it doesn't tell us, it will work for you.

Let me give you an example of when I've seen couples navigate polyamory successfully and when I've seen couples cause further damage to their relationship. So I have worked with multiple couples where physical intimacy had become a thing of the past. In some of these relationships, one partner had already engaged in outside relationships, mostly seeking sexual satisfaction without their partner's knowledge, or they were seriously contemplating doing so. The typical complaint was that their current committed partner wasn't as interested in sex or had told them it was something they did mostly because it was important to their partner. So this left their partner feeling confused on how to get their sexual needs met, without losing the committed relationship. And as a result, the idea of non-monogamy surfaced as an attempt to stay in the relationship, while also being able to experience sexual intimacy again. For these couples, once the idea of non-monogamy was brought to the surface, the partner who didn't prioritize sex as much, felt like the problem in the relationship. They also felt misunderstood, as if their partner had no room, to see that their difference in sexual interest was due to things like feeling overwhelmed, stressed out from work, or caretaking kids, or feeling resentful and sometimes for years, over unresolved conflicts. Unfortunately, the result of this was finally facing years of problems head on, often requiring months or years spent in therapy, where both partners felt confused, misunderstood and unsure if they could fix the relationship. 

So let me contrast this with couples I've worked with who have navigated non-monogamy successfully. These are couples who came to me with a solid foundation. What that looked like were couples who were already frequently communicating when problems occurred, instead of resorting to shutting down, yelling, or escalating their emotions, when hard topics came up. They also didn't allow conflicts to just be swept underneath the rug. In other words, they had the ability to regulate their emotions during times of stress and when they felt disconnected. These couples also had deep respect for one another. They prioritized trust and they were genuinely curious about their partner's inner lives. They also emphasized the importance of comfort with the idea of exploring non-monogamy versus engaging in coercive language or tactics to get what they wanted. And before they began exploring non-monogamy, they created consensual agreements for how to navigate this lifestyle. And they also agreed to be transparent about their various desires for exploration throughout the process. So those are just a couple examples of how it can go well and also how it can go not so well.

So now let me talk about the top five motivations behind why people genuinely pursue polyamory, based on the research published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior. Because understanding the “why” is really what separates someone from feeling ready, from someone who isn't. All right, so first motivation, reason number one, is values alignment. The most commonly reported motivation is that monogamy simply doesn't feel authentic. These are people who've tried, sometimes really hard, to fit themselves into a monogamous structure. Polyamory for them isn't a rebellion, it's an alignment. It feels like coming home to who they actually are. 

The second reason is the desire for deeper or more diverse emotional connections. So not every human need can be met by just one person. I mean, this makes sense when you think about how you might confide in or seek support from your friends or family, not always just your romantic partner. Some people find that different relationships fulfill genuinely different parts of them, like an intellectual connection with one person, emotional nurturing with somebody else and a shared history with a third. This doesn't mean you're running away from intimacy, but rather reaching for more of it.

The third motivation is personal growth and autonomy. So this one kind of surprised me, when I first read the research, but it actually makes complete sense clinically. The work required to maintain healthy polyamorous relationships, like self-reflection, communication, confrontation of jealousy, actually accelerates personal development in a way that many people describe as transformative. The relationship structure becomes a kind of ongoing personal growth practice.

So reason number four is the exploration of identity and sexuality. So polyamory creates a container where people can explore aspects of their attraction and sexuality. This might include same-sex attraction, just being fluid or being bisexual, without having to leave your primary relationship. For some people, this is the only path that feels honest to them. 

And now the fifth motivation is the desire to belong to a community. The polyamorous community is often described as one of the most values-driven communities in the relationship world. People find connection, support and solidarity in others, who share their belief that relationships should be built on honesty, rather than default expectations of society and others. 

So notice what all five of these have in common. Every single one of them depends on radical honesty, first with yourself and then with your partners. And that is where consent lives. It's not just a checkbox. It's a practice and a daily commitment to showing up transparently. Now let's address some of the common myths related to these relationship structures. And I want to emphasize that I'm not trying to sell polyamory or non-monogamy to anyone. My job is just to give you accurate information so you can make an informed choice, if you decide to engage in a non-monogamous relationship structure. 

Myth number one is polyamory is just an excuse for cheating. And I really do not like to hear this one. This is the most common one though and it fundamentally misinterprets what makes something cheating. Cheating is a betrayal of an agreement. The entire architecture of ethical non-monogamy and polyamory are built on consent, meaning every person involved, every person, has agreed to this dynamic, with full knowledge and without coercion, which is the opposite of cheating. In fact, research shows that people in ethically non-monogamous relationships are more likely to practice safe sex and get tested for STIs, compared to people in monogamous relationships, where one partner is secretly having affairs. And I know I'm kind of using ethical non-monogamy and polyamory interchangeably, but this is because many people view ethical non-monogamy as the umbrella term and underneath that is kind of polyamory or open relationships, sometimes swinging. All of that though, all of these non-monogamous relationship structures really can be considered ethically non-monogamous and they all include consent and transparency. 

Okay, myth number two is polyamory means you don't love your partner enough, or your relationship must be broken. A large survey though, of over a thousand polyamorous people, found that seeking additional partners had little to do with dissatisfaction with the primary relationship. For most people practicing polyamory, the motivation is expansion, not escape. But there's a very real phenomenon, where people try to use polyamory to rescue a relationship that's already struggling and that almost never works. And unfortunately, I see this all too often in my practice. So please take this into account, before considering any form of non-monogamy with your partner, because opening a broken relationship doesn't fix it, but it will amplify every fracture that was already there.  I've sat with couple after couple, who decided to open their relationship as a last resort, hoping that new energy or new connections, or new excitement would somehow revive what they'd lost between each other. And what I've watched happen almost without exception, is that the existing wounds get deeper and the jealousy that felt somewhat manageable, becomes consuming and the communication that was already fragile, collapses completely. Opening a relationship is not a repair strategy, y'all, it doesn't work. It's an advanced relationship skill and like any advanced skill, you need a strong foundation before you attempt it. 

Myth number three is polyamory is just about sex. No, I've already touched on this, but it deserves some special attention. Polyamory, by definition, emphasizes emotional intimacy and romantic connection. Many polyamorous relationships are deeply committed, long-term and remarkably intentional. Researcher, Elisabeth Sheff, spent decades studying polyamorous families and concluded that once people learn to navigate the structure, multiple partner relationships can be lasting, fulfilling and stable. This isn't a lifestyle for people who are afraid of commitment. It often requires more commitment than monogamy, not less.

Myth number four is that polyamorous people don't get jealous, but they do, y'all. Absolutely, they do. The difference though is that in a healthy polyamorous relationship, jealousy is treated as information, a signal about an unmet need, a fear, or a boundary that needs to be addressed, rather than as a reason to shut the whole thing down. There's actually a concept in the polyamorous community, called compersion, which is the feeling of joy you get from watching your partner experience happiness with someone else. So this is the opposite of jealousy, but it doesn't come naturally for most people. It's developed through hard work and consent and transparency are what make that work possible. 

So in my work with couples navigating this conversation, I've also identified assumptions that most reliably lead to failure. So I'm going to name them clearly, because awareness is the first step, when considering any of these relationships. So assumption one is if my partner really loved me, they'd be fine with trying this. So this is one I hear pretty often and it's one of the most damaging things a person can tell themselves. Because your partner's discomfort with non-monogamy is not evidence of insufficient love. Now it might be evidence of different values, different attachment needs, or simply different wiring. But consent that is coerced, whether through guilt, or pressure, or fear of losing the relationship, is not real consent. And a partner who says yes, because they are afraid to say no, will carry that resentment until it destroys the foundation you're trying to protect.

Now another assumption is, we'll figure out the rules as we go. Polyamory done well, is one of the most intentionally structured relationship models that exist. And the couples who succeed, spend significant time, before they begin, having explicit and often uncomfortable conversations about boundaries, expectations, time allocation, what happens, if feelings develop unexpectedly and how they'll handle jealousy. Also what information they want to share and what they're not comfortable sharing. So the “we'll figure it out approach” is almost always a signal that at least one partner isn't ready, or lacks the ability to engage in uncomfortable conversations, without shutting down, or escalating emotional reactions. 

A third assumption is my jealousy will go away once I get used to it. Jealousy in a non-monogamous context doesn't fade from exposure alone. It fades from building enough security in the primary relationship that outside connections don't feel threatening. So if you enter polyamory, hoping that jealousy will just become background noise, you're in for a painful surprise. 

A fourth assumption is this will bring us closer. Now sometimes it absolutely does, but this is for people, who are genuinely aligned in their values and who enter into it thoughtfully. Navigating non-monogamy together can deepen trust and intimacy in wonderful ways. But for couples, who are already struggling with connection, it is far more likely to accelerate the distance. Additional partners don't just automatically create closeness. They can create additional complexity that requires closeness to manage challenges that surface. 

Now the antidote to every one of these assumptions is the same, honest, proactive conversation. Not the conversation you have, when something has already gone wrong. The conversation you have, before you begin and consent isn't just a one-time event. It's an ongoing conversation and transparency isn't just telling the truth when asked. It's volunteering information before your partner has to wonder. Non-monogamy and polyamory are not morally superior to monogamy and they're not morally inferior either. They are different relationship structures with their own requirements, their own rewards and their own very real challenges. And the research is increasingly clear that people in these relationships can be just as satisfied and just as committed and just as deeply connected, as people in monogamous ones. 

What predicts success isn't the structure, it's the skills you practice consistently. Communication, honesty, self-awareness and emotional regulation and the genuine, uncoerced consent of everyone involved. What I'm going to leave you with today, is not a decision. I'm not here to tell you what kind of relationship to have. What I want to leave you with is information and maybe a little more compassion for your partner, if they brought this topic up. And for yourself, if you've been the one carrying these desires alone. The reality is that love is complicated and human beings are endlessly varied in how they navigate it. 

So if this conversation is already happening in your relationship, or if today's episode just started it, I want to offer this. The quality of that conversation matters more than where it ends up. Come to it with curiosity, instead of defensiveness and with questions instead of conclusions and with the understanding that your partner sharing something this vulnerable with you, is an act of trust, not a threat. 

In the next two episodes, I'm going to go much deeper into the practical side of all this, such as how to navigate jealousy, how to open a conversation with a partner who feels unsure, how attachment styles show up in non-monogamy and what the actual day-to-day emotional work looks like. 

So if you found today valuable, please subscribe or follow this podcast, so you don't miss these upcoming episodes. And if something in today's episode brought something up for you, curiosity, anxiety, relief, or recognition and you feel like you want support navigating this, I offer a free 30-minute consultation. Just head over to my website at risetointimacy.com and schedule yours today.

Thanks for listening to the rise to intimacy podcast. If today's episode resonated with you, know that healing is possible and you don't have to do it alone. If you're enjoying the show, please leave a rating and review for us at ratethispodcast.com/rise. It really helps others find us, and I'm so grateful for all your support. You can learn more about my coaching packages for individuals and couples at risetointimacy.com. 

And remember sex therapy isn't for people who are broken. It's for people brave enough to look beneath the surface.