How Trauma Affects Your Romantic Relationships

A calm, steady relationship can start to feel like something is missing, even when nothing seems wrong. If you have a trauma history, quiet may be harder to trust than chaos ever was. What feels like boredom or incompatibility may be your nervous system mistaking calm for the absence of love or desire.

Trauma can also show up when you pull away as soon as a relationship starts to feel good, use sex or being desired as proof of your worth, or feel drawn to dynamics that do not always make sense to you. These patterns can feel isolating or shameful, especially when you do not understand why they are happening.

In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I walk through four specific ways trauma can affect your romantic relationships. I explain what may be happening underneath each pattern and share what can help you begin changing it without treating it like a lifelong sentence.

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2:24 – A calm, safe relationship can feel boring after trauma

5:05 – Three ways to stop chasing intensity outside a healthy relationship

7:09 – Core beliefs, self-sabotage, and how trauma affects your romantic relationships

9:44 – When sex or being desired becomes proof of your worth

12:38 – The difference between consensual kink and a trauma response that needs attention

15:42 – Four signs an empowering sexual pattern may have become compulsive

Mentioned In How Trauma Affects Your Romantic Relationships

How PTSD Affects Romantic Relationships and What Actually Helps

Why People Pleasers Lose Desire and How to Reclaim It

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Full Transcript

Valerie McDonnell: Welcome to The RISE To Intimacy Podcast. I'm your host, Valerie McDonnell. And for over a decade, I've worked as a sex and couples therapist, because intimacy used to feel really overwhelming for me. I felt a lot of pressure to perform, I was disconnected from my body and I often felt like desire was out of reach for me. But through my own trauma work, I stopped checking out of my body and started feeling connected to it again. I learned what it's like to experience intimacy without fear, without shutting down and without numbing out. Now I'm on a mission to help you do the same thing. This podcast exists because trauma doesn't get the last word. You can learn how to calm your body, change the story you've been carrying and rebuild real connection, first with yourself and then with the people you love. 

Let's begin. If you have a history of trauma, you know that unfortunately, it doesn't just stay in the past. It can show up in the present on any given day due to how trauma impacts both our brain and our body. And one of the places it shows up the most is in our romantic relationships. So today I'm going to discuss four specific ways I see past trauma impact how people love, desire and connect with their romantic partners. Some of these might surprise you and others might feel familiar, because you've seen them show up in your own relationships. When I've heard my clients describe these patterns, I've heard how isolated they feel when dealing with them. And I've experienced every one of these patterns myself in past relationships. I also remember feeling isolated and like nobody could possibly understand how I felt. And at first, I didn't even consider exploring how to change, because I had no idea where to begin or who would truly know how to help me. But what I know now is that you can change these patterns and even if you notice yourself in anything I talk about today, it doesn't mean your romantic relationships are doomed. Even though these patterns can show up when we have trauma, they don't have to be life sentences. And the first step to changing them is to understand the reasons behind why they're happening in the first place. 

So let's get into it. The first issue I'm going to discuss relates to a dopamine rush and why a healthy relationship can start to feel boring. When you've experienced trauma, especially prolonged, or repeated trauma, your nervous system can get used to living in a state of high alert, because your body has started to adapt to your nervous system being consistently activated. And this can be true for all different types of trauma, from childhood abuse to serving in combat. So when I say activate it, what I mean is your body stays on alert, even when things are calm, because it hasn't learned yet that calm is actually safe. Things like experiencing frequent intense situations or unpredictability can put you in that state again and again. So when you finally find yourself in a relationship that's calm, predictable and safe, your brain doesn't always register that as good. Sometimes it registers it as boring or as a sign you're incompatible. And this can feel extremely confusing, because your nervous system is doing exactly what it learned to do to survive. 

But in your current situation, this learned behavior can work against you. And then it can get pretty tricky. That boredom can start to feel like proof that something's missing in your relationship. You might start telling yourself, this doesn't feel like the passion I expected to feel. Or if this were the right relationship, I would feel more excited. But those thoughts are cognitive distortions. They're typically not accurate readings of your relationship. They're your nervous system mistaking calm for the absence of love or desire. And this is why some trauma survivors find themselves chasing a dopamine hit outside of a healthy relationship. This can look like seeking new attraction, flirting with someone new, or having sex outside the relationship. But understanding the reason doesn't erase the damage this can cause. This isn't an excuse for behavior that hurts your partner or your relationship. And the goal here is to not avoid these feelings or to constantly distract yourself, because both of those are just a Band-Aid fix. The goal is to understand why this shows up for you and to learn a different way of handling these uncomfortable thoughts and emotions, so that you can finally succeed in a healthy relationship. Because we all deserve that. 

So what do you do if this does show up for you? First, you can name it out loud to yourself. If study starts to feel boring, ask yourself honestly, is this actually a problem in my relationship? Or is this possibly my nervous system looking for the intensity it got used to? Second, you can build small doses of novelty inside your relationship instead of outside it. So this can be through having new experiences together, or learning a new hobby together, or even switching up routine sex. And if you want to explore that one, you can try having sex in different places. You can also play with pacing by slowing down or moving faster, or even building more anticipation beforehand. All of those can give your brain some of what it's craving without putting your relationship at risk. And third, you can get comfortable being vulnerable enough to share these thoughts and feelings with your partner. And it may feel uncomfortable at first. In fact, it will be uncomfortable at first, but it means you don't have to feel alone in carrying it. It also brings your partner into the process with you, so you can build a plan of action together, instead of figuring it out or managing it by yourself. 

Even if you're seeking help and therapy, some of your healing process can also occur inside your relationship. When you can share your most intimate thoughts and feelings without fearing the consequences, that's when you come out of it stronger. Now this is slow work and it takes patience and trust. We need to do this in baby steps, not just everything at once. That will also flood or overwhelm your nervous system. But you can take small steps towards progress every day. You can teach your nervous system that calm and steady doesn't mean you're not loved or desired. It just will take time and some repetition. 

All right, so the next pattern is very common, and I've discussed it in numerous sessions with clients and also in my own therapy. This pattern shows up through the expression of our core beliefs, meaning the deep, often unconscious ideas we have about ourselves, which can lead to self-sabotage. So trauma often leaves behind beliefs about yourself that were never true. But since they get wired in early, they shape every relationship you have, without you even noticing. These are beliefs like, I'm unworthy of love, or everyone I love eventually leaves me. So then you start thinking, so my partner will leave too. This can lead someone to wonder what the point is in getting close to anyone at all. And those beliefs don't just stay in the background. They tend to show up in your behavior too. You might find yourself getting close to a partner and then almost without realizing it, pulling away or creating conflict right when things start to feel really good. This happens because your nervous system is trying to protect you from a loss it assumes is coming anyway. If this sounds like you, here's what can help. 

Start noticing the moment right before you pull away. Think about what just happened. Did things get too close? Did you feel too vulnerable? Or did they just start feeling too good? Then you're going to use that moment as data, because it's telling you where your fear lives. Once you notice it, try staying in the moment a few seconds longer than you normally would, instead of immediately pulling away or picking a fight. Even just naming it out loud to yourself, something like, this is the fear talking, not the truth. That can interrupt the pattern enough to give you a real choice in how you respond, instead of reacting impulsively. Now, once you identify this, you can begin the work to change it, but you need to approach it both cognitively and somatically. That means tackling the thoughts that show up and also the physical sensations in your body when they do. Things like your heart beating fast, or feeling the urge to physically create distance with your partner. You can't just think your way out of a belief like this. It often takes rebuilding trust in your body and in your partner and in the idea that closeness doesn't automatically end in loss. 

Now this next pattern shows up when someone starts using sex or being desired as proof of their own worth. For some trauma survivors, sex or being desired becomes one of the only places they feel confident. Maybe you feel like you're failing everywhere else in life, but with sex, you feel wanted, you feel good at something and you feel valuable. And there's nothing wrong with feeling confident in your sexuality. But when that becomes the only place you feel worthy, it tends to show up in one of two ways. And the first is overgiving. And this connects to something I've talked about before on this show, which is people pleasing. It looks like prioritizing your partner's pleasure and needs so much that your own needs get lost. It can look like never saying no. It can look like performing instead of actually being present. And the second way is seeking that validation somewhere else entirely. When the need to feel desired outweighs the commitment to your partner, it can lead to an emotional or physical affair. And this usually isn't because your relationship isn't sufficient. It's often about reclaiming a sense of feeling wanted or alive that you feel is missing. 

Now you're going to need different strategies for tackling this behavior, depending on if it shows up as overgiving or as seeking validation. If you've listened to my episode on people pleasing and desire, the over giving pattern is the same root pattern, but it's showing up in sex and romance this time. If you recognize that pattern in yourself, you can start by asking, what do I actually want separate from what makes my partner happy or attracted to me? Now, if you recognize the validation-seeking pattern instead, the first step is catching the urge before you act on it. When you notice yourself wanting someone else's attention to feel good about yourself, pause and ask, what's actually missing for you right now? It could be connection, or feeling seen, or maybe feeling alive again. And if you're past the point of catching it early, meaning if this has already shown up as an emotional or physical affair, the same question still matters. Except now it requires having an honest conversation with your partner too. But either way, the goal is the same. Understanding what is underneath that behavior, meaning what need you are looking to get met, is what will actually help to address this in a way where you can make movement and progress with it. Chasing someone new just numbs it for a little while until the feeling comes back. 

Okay, and the last issue I'm going to discuss requires a little more nuance than the others and it may be a bit taboo or controversial. This one tends to cause more shame and a feeling of being alone with behaviors that don't always make sense to you. And here's what I mean. Some trauma survivors find themselves drawn to dynamics involving dominance, aggression, or submission. And there's a real research explanation for why this can happen. Sometimes it's about regaining a sense of control in an area where you once had none. And sometimes it's about your nervous system trying to replay a similar dynamic, but this time with a different, more empowering outcome. This is sometimes referred to as a trauma reenactment. It's your body's attempt to rewrite an old story into something it can finally tolerate or even find pleasure in. And it's worth understanding if it's part of your own experience. But let me give a little bit more clarity first. Being drawn to power exchange or kink, dominance or submission, does not automatically mean you have unresolved trauma. Plenty of people enjoy these dynamics from a place of complete security, curiosity and choice with no trauma history involved at all. And there's nothing wrong with that. Consensual kink is not a red flag. It's not evidence that something needs fixing in you. For a lot of people, it's simply a preference, the same as any other sexual preference. 

So how do you tell the difference here? It's not about the content of what turns you on. It's about your relationship to it. So ask yourself, do I feel free, curious and in control of this choice, while I'm actually engaging in it? Or do I feel compelled, numb, or unable to stop, even after my body has signaled it's had enough. If it's the first one, that's healthy sexuality full stop. If it's the second one, that's worth exploring further. Not because the desire itself is wrong, but because something underneath it might still need attention. And if you're engaging in sexual behaviors that help you feel more in control or confident, even if you have a trauma history, that's also okay. There's actually research supporting that. Some trauma-informed clinicians call this corrective mastery. You're giving your nervous system a chance to relive a similar moment, but this time with full control and a different ending. This is part of why some trauma survivors report that consensual kink, done with a trusted partner, actually feels like it's mending something inside them, rather than something to feel ashamed of. It gives your body a new memory to hold onto instead of the old one. 

So how do you know when this crosses the line from something that helps you into something that needs more attention? First, notice if the intensity keeps having to escalate just to get the same sense of relief or control. Second, pay attention to whether you find yourself dissociating instead of feeling present and connected. Another thing to watch for is whether it's creating distance or secrecy in your relationship, instead of closeness. And finally, notice if you try to stop and you truly can't, even when part of you wants to. Those are the moments where this may have shifted from something you were choosing into something compulsive. So if this is you, talk to your partner about why this dynamic matters to you and what it actually gives you, whether that's a sense of control, safety, or something else entirely. Secrecy and shame tend to be what causes damage here, not the desire itself. A partner who understands what's underneath the behavior, can often stay connected to you through it, instead of feeling confused or shut out by it. This is one of the places I think trauma-informed sex therapy really matters, because the goal is not to tell you what you're allowed to be turned on by. The goal is to make sure whatever you're doing is coming from a place of genuine choice. 

So here's what I want you to take away from today's episode. Trauma leaves an imprint on how we love, how we desire and how we connect. But none of what I talked about today is a lifelong sentence. These are patterns your nervous system learned for a reason and patterns can be understood, worked with and changed. 

And if you'd like to begin this work, head over to risetointimacy.com and book a consultation with me. You can also sign up for my free weekly newsletter, The Quickie, where I share practical tips and takeaways to help you and your partner build deeper intimacy. Thank you so much for listening. I'll see you next week. 

Thanks for listening to The RISE To Intimacy Podcast. If today's episode resonated with you, know that healing is possible and you don't have to do it alone. If you're enjoying the show, please leave a rating and review for us at ratethispodcast.com/rise. It really helps others find us and I'm so grateful for all your support. You can learn more about my coaching packages for individuals and couples at risetointimacy.com. And remember, sex therapy isn't for people who are broken, it's for people brave enough to look beneath the surface.