How to Validate Your Partner Without Losing Your Own Perspective

Your partner may have told you they don't feel heard, even though you were right there listening to every word and even responding. Hearing someone and making them feel heard are two different things, and most of us were never taught how to validate our partner in a way that actually lands. When that gap becomes a pattern, the same fight keeps happening, just with different words.

When resentment starts building, most couples rush to explain themselves or fix the problem, skipping two steps that have to come first, acknowledgment and validation. The reason both feel so hard comes down to what's happening in your brain, because the moment your partner shares how they feel, your brain interprets it as an attack and shuts down the exact skills you need to respond well.

In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I'm starting a new series on communication with these two foundational steps. I explain why your brain interprets your partner's feelings as a personal attack, what acknowledgment and validation actually look like in practice, and how to use them even when you think your partner is completely wrong, including where they have limits and what to do when emotions get too high to keep talking.

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4:33 – How the cycle of repetitive arguments usually begins

5:57 – Why jumping straight to defensiveness or problem-solving ends up backfiring

8:57 – Four common beliefs that keep couples from acknowledging or validating each other

13:55 – The difference between acknowledgment and validation, and why couples can often struggle with one and not the other

17:00 – What to do when you disagree with everything your partner says

19:05 – The difference between validation and invalidation (and a commonly used phrase that seems validating, but isn’t)

21:36 – What validation does NOT require you to do, and how to set a boundary while still validating your partner’s feelings

Mentioned In How to Validate Your Partner Without Losing Your Own Perspective

The Gottman Institute

Relationship Reset Couples Program

Relationship Readiness Intensive

Rise to Intimacy Free 30-Minute Consult

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Full Transcript

Valerie McDonnell: Welcome to The RISE To Intimacy podcast. I'm your host, Valerie McDonnell. And for over a decade, I've worked as a sex and couples therapist, because intimacy used to feel really overwhelming for me. I felt a lot of pressure to perform, I was disconnected from my body and I often felt like desire was out of reach for me. But through my own trauma work, I stopped checking out of my body and started feeling connected to it again. I learned what it's like to experience intimacy without fear, without shutting down and without numbing out. Now I'm on a mission to help you do the same thing. This podcast exists because trauma doesn't get the last word. You can learn how to calm your body, change the story you've been carrying and rebuild real connection, first with yourself and then with the people you love. 

Let's begin. Has your partner ever said to you, you never listen to me? And then your response is something like, what do you mean I never listen? I was sitting right here, I heard every word you said, I even responded. If so, this is one of the most common communication pitfalls I hear about in couples therapy. And for those experiencing it, they feel frustrated and confused on how to stop it from happening over and over again. Because one partner genuinely believes they're listening. The other partner genuinely doesn't feel heard. But the thing is, hearing someone and making someone feel heard are two completely different skills. You can hear every word your partner says and still leave them feeling invisible. And when that becomes a pattern, resentment builds, conflict escalates and the relationship suffers. 

Today, I'm starting a new series on communication. Learning effective communication skills involves a lot more than just telling a couple to talk and share their feelings. It includes learning a process that keeps you and your partner connected in a way that builds real intimacy, strengthens trust and creates a genuine understanding of each other's inner world. It also gives you a framework for de-escalating conflicts before they become destructive, so that when disagreements come up, you have a way to move through them that ends in resolution instead of resentment. Research consistently supports this. Research shows that when couples consistently practice active listening, empathy and honest communication, they experience deeper emotional intimacy and greater satisfaction in their relationships. And this isn't just about feeling better after one good conversation. The couples who build these skills and practice them consistently are the ones who report feeling connected and fulfilled in their relationship years and even decades later. So the communication framework I'm going to teach you in this series is not just about learning how to talk to each other. It's about building the emotional safety that allows everything else in your relationship to thrive, like your connection, your trust, your ability to navigate hard conversations and yes, even your sex life. 

And today's episode will start with two steps that most couples skip. I'm talking about acknowledgement and validation. I've talked about these briefly in previous episodes, but today we're going to take a deeper dive. I'll explain why your brain resists doing this, why it feels like losing, even when it's not and exactly how to do it in a way that actually changes the conversation. And maybe you're thinking this isn't that important or it seems too simple. But most couples rush past this step. And what they don't realize is that when acknowledgement and validation are done well, the conflict often resolves itself. The problem that felt like it needed a big solution suddenly doesn't, because what your partner actually needed wasn't a fix, it was to feel seen and heard. Dr. John Gottman conducted 40 years of research on thousands of couples and has shown that problem solving before partners feel understood is counterproductive. In other words, trying to fix the problem before your partner feels seen and heard actually makes things worse. So if you've been jumping straight to solutions and wondering why the same fights keep happening, this episode is going to show you why. 

So let's start with a scenario I often hear in couple sessions. One partner brings up something that's bothering them. They say something like, it really hurt when you didn't text me yesterday while you were traveling. I was worried about you. The other partner hears this and their brain immediately thinks, well, my phone died, or I didn't have good service, or I told you I was going to be busy. And all of that might be completely true. But their partner didn't ask for an explanation. Their partner told them how they felt. And what they needed at that moment wasn't a reason why something happened. They needed to feel like their experience mattered. But instead, their partner becomes defensive and starts providing explanations. But becoming defensive and providing explanations, no matter how logical or accurate, sends one message to the other person's nervous system, that their experience is less important than your explanation. And when that happens, the partner who raised the concern doesn't feel heard. They feel dismissed. So then they either push harder, like raising their voice, repeating themselves, getting more emotional, or they shut down completely and then disconnect. And this is where the cycle of repetitive arguments usually begins. Because the first step to effective communication was skipped. 

Research on empathy and validation consistently shows that people are more open to problem solving after they first feel understood. That order matters more than most couples realize. So why do we skip it? Why do most of us jump straight to defending, explaining, or fixing? Well, it's because of what's going on in your brain that causes this resistance. So this is the part that's so important to understand. Because once you know why your brain fights against acknowledging your partner's experience and validating how they felt, it becomes so much easier to change it. When your partner tells you that something you did hurt them, your brain doesn't hear, I'm sharing my feelings with you. Your brain hears, you did something wrong. And the moment your brain interprets that as an accusation, it shifts into defense mode. Research from the British Journal of Social Psychology found that when people feel like their identity is threatened, so when they feel like they're being told they're a bad person, not just that they did a bad thing, defensiveness spikes. Then they may represent what happened, or deflect blame, or minimize the harm, or disengage from the conversation entirely. And here's what makes this so relevant to your relationship. When your partner says, I felt ignored when you didn't text me, your logical brain knows that's a feeling, not an accusation. But your emotional brain, the part that runs on instinct and self-protection, hears, you're a bad partner. You failed. Something is wrong that you need to fix. 

And when that happens, your nervous system shifts from your thinking brain to your survival brain. But you cannot validate from that place. You can barely listen, because all of your energy is now going toward protecting yourself from the perceived attack. Neuroscience research on conflict confirms this. During disagreements, brain activity actually decreases in the areas responsible for empathy and seeing things from your partner's perspective. And the connection between two people's brains, which is their ability to be on the same wavelength, drops significantly during conflict, compared to neutral conversations. So your brain is working against you at the exact moment you need it most. The moment your partner shares how they feel about something you did, or something you didn't do, your brain can interpret that as a personal attack. And the second that happens, it shuts down the very skills you need to respond well. This is why just telling someone, you need to listen better, doesn't work. It's not a listening problem, it's a nervous system problem, your brain is protecting your identity. And it's doing it so fast that by the time you realize what's happening, you're already three sentences into your defense. So now that you understand what's happening in your brain, let's talk about the specific beliefs that keep couples from being able to acknowledge and validate each other. Because in my experience, it's almost always one of these four things that keeps getting in the way. 

The first belief is, if I validate them, I'm saying they're right. This is the number one reason people resist validation and it makes total sense. If your partner says, you ignored me last night and you know you didn't ignore them, you were just exhausted and fell asleep on the couch, then validating them feels like admitting to something you didn't do. But the key distinction is that validation is not about agreeing with your partner's version of events, or how they felt because of it. It's about acknowledging their experience of those events. When you say, I can see why you felt ignored, you are not saying, I ignored you. You're saying, given what you experienced, your feeling makes sense to me. And those are two completely different statements. One is about facts and the other is about feelings. And your job isn't to validate the facts, it's to validate the feeling. Referring back to John Gottman's research shows why this distinction is important. His research found that stable, happy couples do not need to agree on everything, but they do need to respect each other's internal experience. Remember, you can have a different perspective while also honoring your partners. Those two things can exist at the same time. 

And now the second belief is, if I validate them, I'm taking the blame. So this one is closely related to the first one, but it's slightly different. Some people resist validation, not because they think it means agreeing, but because they think it means accepting fault. Like if they say, that makes sense that you felt hurt, their partner will hear, so you admit you did something wrong. The validation is not a confession. You can validate the impact of something without claiming full responsibility for it. You can say, I can hear that when I got quiet last night, you felt shut out. That makes sense to me, that wasn't my intention, but I can still see that it hurts you and I'm sorry. So that statement does three things at once. It helps your partner feel seen. It reduces their need to keep arguing about what actually happened. And it keeps both of your perspectives intact. So nobody loses, because both realities get to exist at once. 

The third belief is, if I validate them, my perspective disappears. And this one I do hear all the time. You may wonder, if I spend all this time hearing their side, when do I get to share mine? And honestly, I understand that fear, especially if you've been in a pattern, where you feel like your perspective never gets airtime. But research shows that providing validation actually makes it more likely that your perspective will be heard and not less. Because when your partner feels understood, their nervous system has a chance to calm down. They can stop fighting to be heard, because they finally feel heard and from a calmer place, they actually have more capacity to listen to your side. But when you skip acknowledgement and validation and jump straight to, well, here's my side of it, your partner's nervous system is still activated. They're still fighting to be understood, so they're not listening to your perspective. They're just waiting for you to stop talking, so they can try again to make you understand their side. And if that doesn't happen, they may feel like being vulnerable with you is too risky, because that vulnerability is never acknowledged. They may stop connecting with you in more ways than just through communication. So while it may seem counterintuitive, the fastest way to get your perspective heard, is to hear theirs first. 

And now the fourth belief is, some feelings are irrational, so I can't validate them. Now this one is tricky, because sometimes your partner's emotional reaction genuinely feels out of proportion to what happened. They may be furious about something that you see as minor, or they may be devastated about something that for you seems like a simple misunderstanding. And in those moments, you may be tempted to say, you're overreacting, or that's not a big deal, or you shouldn't feel that way. But you are not validating whether the feeling is the correct response to the situation. You're only validating that the feeling for them is real, that it's understandable given their history and their perception and that it matters to you, because they matter to you. You don't have to fully understand why your partner feels the way they do. You just have to care that they feel it. 

One of the things I've realized in my work is that most people lump acknowledgement and validation together, but they're actually two separate steps. And many couples can do one, but will struggle with the other. So the first step is acknowledgement. It's when your partner feels like you truly hear what they're saying. Acknowledgement is mirroring, is reflecting back to your partner what you heard them say so they know you actually took it in. It can sound like, what I'm hearing you say is that when I didn't text you last night, you felt worried and then you started feeling like you weren't important to me. In this example, you're not adding your interpretation or correcting their version. You're simply playing back what they said, so they can hear that you received it. And to be sure, you can follow it up with, did I get that right? Or is there anything I missed? Those questions are so important, because it gives your partner the chance to correct anything you missed or misunderstood. And it tells them that accuracy matters to you, that you're not just going through the motions. You genuinely want to understand what they're telling you. This is a step that makes your partner feel seen. And when someone tells me that they don't feel seen in their relationship, this is usually the step that's missing. So validation goes one step further. While acknowledgement says, I heard you, validation says, what you're feeling makes sense to me. It can sound like, given what you just shared with me, it makes sense that you felt worried and unimportant. I can see how you got there. Feeling seen happens when your partner acknowledges what you told them. But feeling heard happens when you feel like your partner understands why it matters to you. 

So many couples can do step one, but then they get stuck on step two. They can mirror what their partner said, but they can't bring themselves to say, that makes sense, because inside they're thinking, but it doesn't make sense. I didn't mean to hurt them and that's not what happened. But that's the nervous system response I talked about earlier. Your brain is trying to protect your identity. It's confusing “that makes sense” with I'm guilty, or I'm admitting that I did something wrong. But those aren't the same thing. “That makes sense” means given who you are, given your history, given what you experienced in that moment, your emotional response makes sense to me. It doesn't mean you caused it intentionally and it doesn't mean your perspective is the same. It just means you can understand how your partner got there. And when both steps happen, when your partner feels both seen and heard, something very interesting happens. Their nervous system calms down. The urgency to argue drops and the need to convince you disappears. Because they're not fighting to be understood anymore. And once both these steps occur, you can then work on resolving the problem. And that's the topic I'll cover in a future episode in this series. 

Next, I want to talk about what to do when you disagree with everything your partner says. Because everything I've said so far probably makes sense in theory. But in practice, the moment your partner says something you believe is inaccurate or unfair or just completely wrong, all of that goes out the window. So let me give you a framework you can use when this happens. It comes from what I teach my clients and it works, because it honors both partners at the same time. The framework is acknowledge the impact, validate the feeling and keep your perspective separate. Here's what that sounds like in real life. Your partner says, when you corrected me in front of the kids, I felt embarrassed and dismissed. So your internal reaction might be, I wasn't correcting you. I was just adding information, you're being too sensitive. But instead of saying that, you say, I hear you saying that when I corrected you in front of the kids, you felt embarrassed and dismissed. That makes sense to me. I can see why it felt that way for you. My intention was different, but I understand why that hurts you. So in that example, you're acknowledging the impact, which is she felt embarrassed and dismissed. You validate the feeling by saying, that makes sense to me. And you held your perspective when you say, my intention was different. And when all of these three things occur, you now have created space to continue the conversation and figure out what would work better next time. 

But these skills, like any other new skills you learn, take practice. They're not going to feel natural the first time and your brain is most likely going to fight against it. It's going to tell you that you're giving in, that you're letting them win, that your side of the story doesn't matter. But what you're actually doing is the most powerful thing you can do in a conflict. You're choosing connection over being right. And research shows that couples who can do this consistently, are significantly more likely to stay together. They also report higher satisfaction in their relationship and they resolve conflicts faster. Something else that's important to know, though, is the difference between validation and invalidation. Because sometimes the difference between them is just one sentence. And knowing which one you're using can change everything. So validation sounds like, I can see why that felt hurtful, or that makes sense to me from your perspective. Invalidation sounds like, I'm sorry you feel that way, or that's not what happened, or I already told you I didn't mean it like that. 

Truly validating your partner communicates understanding, whereas invalidation tries to correct their feelings or judge them and will lead to distance and disconnection. And your partner's nervous system knows the difference instantly, even if you don't realize which one you're using. I want to especially highlight the “I'm sorry you feel that way”, because many people use this thinking as validation, but it's not. It puts the feeling on your partner as if the feeling is their problem. Compare that to, I can see why you felt that way, which puts you in the experience with them and this will result in a much higher chance of creating emotional intimacy. All right, so to tie this all together with the research, because I want you to understand why this step isn't optional. It's not just a nice thing to do, it's necessary. 

Gottman's research found that couples who practice validation during conflict are significantly more likely to feel close and satisfied in their relationships. His conflict conversation structure requires that both partners be able to state each other's position to satisfaction, before any problem solving begins. Most couples I see are trying to resolve something that hasn't even been acknowledged yet. They're jumping straight to, so what do we do about it? Before either person has said, I understand what this meant to you. And that's why the same fights keep happening, y'all. The problem never got resolved the first time. Instead, it was debated or defended or explained away, but it was never acknowledged. And unacknowledged pain doesn't go away. It comes back disguised as a fight about the dishes, or the budget, or whose turn it is to put the kids to bed. But underneath, it's the same hurt. So the next time your partner brings something up that bothers them, before you explain, defend, or offer a solution, pause, mirror back what they said and then tell them it makes sense. 

One last thing that's important to know, when you're practicing these skills is that validation has some limitations. You can and should validate your partner's feelings, but validation does not require you to validate abuse, intimidation, or coercion. And it also doesn't require you to agree with false claims presented as facts. You can validate your partner's feelings, while also setting a boundary around their behavior. For example, you can say something like, I understand that you felt angry and frustrated, but I'm not okay with you yelling at me. That statement preserves empathy without sacrificing your boundary. It says, I see your pain and I also have a right to safety. 

I hope this episode was helpful for you. And if it was, please share it with your partner and listen to it together, because these skills work best when both of you understand them. Join me next week for the next episode in this series, where I'll cover what to do when emotions get too high to continue the conversation. If you'd like my help practicing these skills with your partner, head over to risetointimacy.com. I now offer six month programs for individuals and couples and a complimentary consultation to anyone interested in working with me. Thanks so much for listening today and for your ongoing support of this podcast. I'll see you next week. 

Thanks for listening to The RISE To Intimacy podcast. If today's episode resonated with you, know that healing is possible and you don't have to do it alone. If you're enjoying the show, please leave a rating and review for us at ratethispodcast.com/rise. It really helps others find us and I'm so grateful for all your support. You can learn more about my coaching packages for individuals and couples at risetointimacy.com. 

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