How to Initiate Sex Without Pressure or Awkwardness
It’s 10:30 at night. You’ve both worked all day, handled dinner, chores, and maybe the kids, and you’re finally in bed. One of you rests a hand on the other’s thigh, and the other person starts wondering what it means. Is this affection? Are they trying to initiate sex? For someone who's already exhausted or stressed, having to figure that out can feel like one more thing to deal with at the end of a long day.
Most of us were never taught how to initiate sex. We learned from movies, awkward conversations with friends, and a lot of trial and error. And what worked in the early days of a relationship, when desire came more easily, doesn't necessarily work five, ten, or twenty years later. Especially when stress has made sex something you barely have the mental space to think about.
In this episode of The RISE to Intimacy Podcast, I explain why some of the most common ways we initiate sex can create confusion or pressure, how stress affects desire, and why initiation can begin long before bedtime. I also share six strategies to help you understand each other's initiation preferences, communicate your interest more clearly, and create more opportunities for connection without making sex feel like an obligation.
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3:56 – Why the most common way couples initiate sex often leads to confusion or rejection
6:51 – Three questions to understand how your partner prefers to initiate sex
9:08 – How stress affects sexual desire and why building anticipation matters
12:24 – Why initiating sex often begins long before the actual invitation
14:44 – Talking about initiation preferences and starting the invitation earlier
16:21 – Helping your partner decompress and making your interest in sex clear
18:01 – Creating a shared signal to make initiating sex less awkward
18:58 – How to initiate sex when you experience responsive desire
Mentioned In How to Initiate Sex Without Pressure or Awkwardness
Full Transcript
Valerie McDonnell: Welcome to the RISE to Intimacy podcast. I'm your host Valerie McDonnell, and for over a decade, I've worked as a sex and couples therapist because intimacy used to feel really overwhelming for me. I felt a lot of pressure to perform, I was disconnected from my body, and I often felt like desire was out of reach for me. But through my own trauma work, I stopped checking out of my body and started feeling connected to it again. I learned what it's like to experience intimacy without fear, without shutting down, and without numbing out. Now, I'm on a mission to help you do the same thing. This podcast exists because trauma doesn’t get the last word. You can learn how to calm your body, change the story you've been carrying, and rebuild real connection, first with yourself and then with the people you love. Let’s begin.
Thanks for joining me today, everyone. If you've been enjoying this show, I will be so grateful if you left me a rating or review, wherever you listen. Or, if you have any thoughts on topics you would love for me to cover, shoot me a DM on Instagram it's @risetointimacy or you can email me valerie@riseintimacy.com. All right. Now, today's episode is going to tackle the topic, of initiating sex.
So, there's a few things that I hear often from my clients when this topic comes up. One of them is “I honestly don't know how to initiate.” Another one is “I don't even think about sex when I'm stressed, much less, that I should initiate.” And the third one is typically some version of “I really don't like the way my partner initiates.” But really, who taught us how to initiate sex? I mean, so many of us didn't learn so many different things related to sex. And certainly initiation was one of them. So if we do learn it, we learned it from like, watching movies, or a TV show, or having awkward conversations with our friends, and of course, a whole lot of trial and error with partners.
But most of what we learn is built on, you know, how the beginning of a relationship goes, when it comes to initiation. When desire is showing up much easier and it feels like it's natural to, initiate sex with each other. You’re feeling like you can barely keep your hands off each other. So, nobody told us though again what to do 5, 10, or even 20 years down the road. When we’re now both exhausted, we might have kids at home, and one of you’s sitting on the couch, scrolling on the phone while the other one is, possibly wondering Is it okay to go sit next to them? I’ll put my hand on their thigh, and see if anything happens.
So the good news, is that, initiation is a skill. It’s something you can learn, practice, and you can get better at. And we also have research that tells us, which ways of initiating tend to work and which ones tend to not land at all. I'm also going to briefly talk about, why stress can just completely take sex off your radar, making it so difficult to initiate. And then I'm going to talk about how initiation doesn't have to just be a single moment that happens right before sex. But before we get into it, let me give a little disclaimer.
Learning how to initiate well, is never about getting your partner to just say yes more often. This episode is about making your bids for sex clearer, and more appealing. So that your partner is able to give you an enthusiastic yes.
So the most common scenario I hear around initiation that doesn't go well, is that, someone is trying to initiate at the end of the night, after you've both been working all day, and maybe taking care of kids, or cooking dinner, doing chores around the house, or even having to catch up on more work, once you get home. And then, you both are finally in bed, and then, this is when someone attempts to initiate. This may be rubbing your partner's back, or putting a hand on their thigh, and in that moment your partner is trying to figure out What's happening? Is this just them being affectionate? Are they wanting to have sex? Or are they just like, getting more comfortable? And, if your partner is tired, or stressed, that little moment of decoding can feel like, again, one more task at the end of the day.
Now in 2012, researchers studied married couples, and they found that people used all kinds of cues to initiate sex; from kissing, to compliments, to touch. But those were indirect cues, that were not the ones that worked best. The ones that actually were likely to be recognized as a bid for sex, were the ones that were clear. This was something like asking out loud, saying it directly, or undressing in front of your partner. But physical touch on it’s own, was actually the least likely to lead to sex. This is without any, verbal indication of what that touch means.
In fact partners sometimes found it irritating instead of inviting. But honestly, the hand on the hip, or the thigh, or the you know, butt, is probably the most common way people initiate, that I hear about. But it's also one most likely to be missed, or misunderstood, or misread, or maybe just met with rejection. But it, typically, this is not because your partner doesn't love you, but it's because this vague signal puts more work on them to figure out what is going on. And again, if they're tired, or stressed, or just touched out from kids, or from a long day at work, that extra work starts feeling like pressure.
But we typically keep doing it, because it feels safer to do, you know an indirect cue, for sex, versus a direct one. A direct one, right, feels riskier. If I just touch you, and you don't respond, I never technically asked you, you know? I don't have to hear that direct no. So the indirect approach protects the person who's initiating. But, unfortunately it can cost the relationship, because both of you are kinda guessing what's going to happen, or what is, you know, expected to happen.
Most of us tend to initiate sex the way that we want to be approached about it, and that's often not the way our partner likes to be approached. So, here are three questions that I borrowed from another sex researcher, who has studied thousands of people in long-term relationships, and ask them about their initiation preferences. So you can ask your partner these. I’ll also, a link to her article in the show notes. The first question is “Do you prefer to be asked or do you prefer to be touched?” So, some people just really love hearing those direct words. Others feel like they're put on the spot, or they're just like, being too vulnerable with a direct question, and they would rather be drawn in with something like a kiss, or maybe some cuddling first.
The second question is “Do you like a subtle approach or a direct one?” So again, some people find, like, slow flirtatious build up towards sex is very appealing in getting them in the mood, and also helping them know that their partner’s wanting to connect in that way. Whereas, others find it confusing, and would much rather have their partner just say what they want.
And then the third question is “Do you like to be surprised, or do you like to see it coming?” So some people love spontaneity, and others need time to shift gears. So a surprise invitation for that person, at the end of the night, might feel like they are being ambushed. And I asked my partner this question just the other day, and he was saying that it can be a combination of both. Sometimes he likes to be surprised, but sometimes he wants to see it coming. And he also said that it's, kind of that for him, whether or not he wants one of those is, is based on like, stress during the day. So again, like most of us can't just be put in a box, you know? We're not just one way or the other, at all times. We can be a combination of a number of things. So, but learning what works for your partner and having conversations around this, is the point.
Okay now I'm going to get into the stress part, a little bit more. Because this really is something that comes up constantly in sex therapy. High stress and anxiety, at least in my practice, which I've been in my own practice now for 7 years, and been doing sex therapy for longer. In my practice, those are the two biggest barriers to sexual desire, and feed into many other things.
So when my clients are telling me, that they don't even think about sex when they're stressed, they usually have a lot of guilt around that. Like, something must be wrong with them, but this is very, very common. In fact, the research says that, in one study, women track their stress and their sex lives over several months, and on days when stress was higher they have less sex, and felt less satisfied with the sex they did have. And then another study on married women, found that stress and fatigue lower the chances of sex. Especially during the work week. And what was interesting about that study is, that those couples didn't make up for that on the weekends.
So when your body is in stress mode, your nervous system is focused just on getting through the day. There's like, work emails, kids, bills, or the dryer that still takes me three cycles to finish, even though I've had it looked at several times. Your brain just doesn't have room for sex sometimes, with all that swirling around in your head. Because it's busy scanning for the next thing you need to handle, so sex doesn't feel like something that you're just saying no to. It feels like it just, never shows up on your to-do list at all.
But if one partner's brain hasn't had a single sexual thought all day, because they've been in survival mode, and then the other partner tries to initiate at 10:30 at night, by putting a hand on the hip, that invitation comes out of nowhere. Because there's been no buildup, and no shift out of stress mode. There's been no time for desire to show up. You've probably heard me talk before, about how foreplay isn't just a few minutes before sex. Foreplay can be ongoing. And this is an idea borrowed from Esther Perel. If you don't know Esther Perel, you should definitely check her out, she's an icon. So, foreplay can be the flirty text in the afternoon, or like a kiss in the kitchen, or the way you even look at your partner from across the room. But when foreplay is ongoing, it helps to keep the spark alive, and it also tends to feed desire.
And I believe initiation can be the same thing. ‘Cause most of us think of initiation as just one moment, the moment right before we get into sex. It's that question right at bedtime, or that hand on the hip. But, what if initiation started much earlier? Just combine this with the foreplay. What if the initiation was something you built over the course of the day, or even a few days, instead of something you dropped on your partner all at once?
Now, in 2015 communication researchers interviewed married couples about how sex tends to unfold. And they found that it usually happens in two steps. First is what they called, priming messages. These were the signals that set the stage before any actual bid for sex happened. Then comes the second step, when partners get in sync, with one person initiating and the other responding. In other words, for many couples the invitation itself was only the second step. The first part was laying the groundwork.
The groundwork is so important y'all, because it has to do with how your brain responds to anticipation. Because the brain’s reward center becomes active, when we're anticipating something good, before the reward even arrives. And in one well known brain imaging study, people played a game where they could win money. Just knowing a win might be coming, lit up the brain’s reward center, before any money showed up.
In other words anticipation alone, lights up the same region in your brain, that's connected to wanting and motivation. And this tells us something important about how desire works. Looking forward to something is part of the pleasure, anticipation helps build that wanting. So if you send like, tiny clues to your partner throughout the day. Again, things like flirty texts, or tell them how good they look before they leave for work. You're giving your partner's brain hours to anticipate, instead of just seconds to react, to that unexpected question.
Also, the groundwork doesn't have to be sexual. So, there's another series of studies that talks about couples who felt their partner was responsive, meaning that their partner understood them, valued them, and supported them. They reported more sexual desire. Every time you listen to your partner vent about their day, or take something off their plate when they're overwhelmed, you're not just being nice. You're laying the groundwork for desire.
So let's put this all together, and see how we can actually do this. I'm going to give you six strategies, but they're designed to all work together. The first strategy is to have an initiation conversation with your partner. So, please pick a calm moment, when sex isn't on the table, and then take turns answering those three questions I mentioned earlier in the episode. They are “Do you like to be asked or touched? Do you like subtle or direct? And do you like to be surprised or do you like to see it coming?” And then add these too “What's one way I've initiated, that you've loved? And also, what's one thing I do that doesn't work for you?” And when you're having these questions with your partner, remember to be curious and not critical. Be patient with each other. You're just going through this, the process of learning each other's initiation preferences, for the first time. This is probably a conversation you never had, and that's okay.
All right, the second strategy is to start the invitation for sex early. So, instead of making your move at bedtime, plant those seeds or little clues, earlier in the day. This is what the researchers called those priming messages, is when you give your partner time to ease into the idea, and give their brain something to look forward to. And if your partner likes to see it coming, this alone might change things for you.
All right, the third strategy is, to help your partner get out of stress mode. So if stress takes sex off the table for your partner, then part of initiating is helping your partner to decompress. So that might mean handling bedtime with the kids, or giving them 20 minutes to decompress after work, before you start talking about anything.
But you can't make this transactional, okay? In other words, you're not handling the kids bedtime, so you can have sex at the end of the night. Because if you do it like that, if it feels like a transaction to your partner, it will ultimately backfire. They will pick up on it. All right, you need to do this because a partner who feels taken care of, and less overwhelmed, has more room for desire to show up.
Now the fourth strategy is, to make the actual invitation for sex clear. So, once you've laid the groundwork, don't fall back on the vague hand on the hip. Instead follow it up directly, by saying something like “I've been thinking about you all day, would you want to go to bed early with me tonight?” Clear invitations are easier to recognize, y'all, and easier to respond to. Whether the answer is yes or not tonight. And yes, obviously this takes a little more courage than just an ambiguous touch, but clarity eases pressure for your partner, since they're not left guessing and it'll likely ease pressure for you, too. Since you don't have to make assumptions about what your partner is thinking.
The fifth strategy is to create a shared signal. And this is something of strategy that I use, with most of my clients, for a number of different things, for a couple of different communication things, and this is the same, but we're just using it in a different context. So, again, some couples really do love having a word or a phrase, or if they’re texting each other even an emoji, that indicates, to them, that they're interested in sex that day. Or that evening. Because that can take the awkwardness out of doing the more direct ask, even though it's more direct than just like, a touch on the leg. It also gives you both a way to initiate, that you've already agreed on. You just clearly both know exactly what you mean. And it can also be playful. In fact, it should be playful, I think. Or it can be a inside joke. But what matters is that you both know what it means, so nobody has to decode anything.
All right, and the last strategy, strategy six, is for the partners who rarely initiates. So if your desire tends to be responsive, meaning it shows up after you have something to respond to, like touch, kissing, or even close emotional connection, you may never really feel that sudden spark that makes you want to initiate sex with your partner. And that's okay, because initiating can be as simple as saying something like “I'm not in the mood yet, but I'd like to see where things go tonight.” Or, another example “I'd be open to it, if you want to start slowly, and with just kissing.” So that lets your partner know you're interested in connection, even if desire hasn't shown up yet. And for a lot of couples, that kind of initiation takes so much pressure off of both people.
So I really hope that you enjoyed today's episode, and what I really want you to take away, is that, initiation isn't a single question you ask at bedtime. Or doesn't have to be. It’s something you can build throughout the day, through small signals, through anticipation, through taking care of each other, and through clear invitations that your partner can actually recognize. And remember, nobody taught us how to do this, so don't be so hard on yourself. But it's never too late to learn, and it's so exciting, actually, that you get to learn it together.
So if you enjoyed this episode again, and you would like help building these skills with your partner, you can head over to risetointimacy.com and book a consultation with me. Also, please sign up for my weekly newsletter, it’s called the Quickie. And I offer tips and tricks, to help you and your partner have intimate, emotional and physical connection. Also, I'll be providing more details to my upcoming, 6-week, live couples connection boot-camp, launching in the new year, in the Quickie. So I really, really would love if you would sign up for my newsletter. Thank you so much for listening, I sincerely appreciate the time that you spend with me every week, and I'll talk to you next Tuesday.
Thanks for listening to the RISE to Intimacy podcast. If today's episode resonated with you, know that healing is possible, and you don't have to do it alone. If you're enjoying the show, please leave a rating and review for us at ratethispodcast.com/rise it really helps others find us, and I'm so grateful for all your support. You can learn more about my coaching packages for individuals and couples at risetointimacy.com and remember, sex therapy isn’t for people who are broken. It's for people brave enough to look beneath the surface.
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